I don’t like how people look at Graham these days.
They used to smile indulgently, but now I see trepidation in their eyes. They used to coo over his baby fat, but now they look him up and down, silently assessing the potential for disruption contained in his strong limbs.
Their affection used to be unconditional, now they have their reservations.
My son is growing up. He’s not a baby anymore: he’s a little boy.
And that changes everything.
Graham is extremely tall and he looks older than his two and a half years. People have always assumed he should be just a little more capable than he actually is.
When he was 11 months old I was approached by someone who assumed he was at least two and asked in a hushed tone, “Why isn’t he walking yet?” Just last month someone else asked if I were having “problems” potty training: she thought he was around four.
These cloaked admonishments, I now realize, are just a taste of what is to come. Because while people coo over babies, they have expectations for children. They expect Graham to act and react in a certain way. They expect him to be well-behaved. They expect that he will not infringe on their right to privacy or silence or serenity in general.
I know this is inevitable. I know it is just the very first step for Graham as he embarks on a life where he will most certainly have responsibilities to fulfill and expectations to meet: I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But it still breaks my heart just a little every time I notice people narrow their eyes ever so slightly when he enters a room. It pains me to see apprehension, or worse, exasperation, in their eyes. They are wary of his energy and his strength: I get that. When he charges through the door of the grocery store, crackling with vigor and vitality, I can’t really blame them for bracing themselves for a disturbance.
But I wish so badly that I could reassure them there is nothing to fear. I want to explain to them how sweet and good-natured he is: how much he loves kisses and his favorite feline friend. I want to make them look at him, really look at him, and see that he is just a little boy for whom the world is still a giant playground.
But I don’t, of course. I just smile as politely and reassuringly as possible, and hope that I am striking the right balance between their need for order and Graham’s compulsive enthusiasm.
Oh how I miss seeing people light up at the sight of my son.
I wonder if he misses it too and if he notices that every day his beautiful, innocent heart is surely growing heavier under the weight of the world’s expectations.
93 comments:
Ahhh the expectations of the world. He still has a lot of innocent wonder ahead. I wish I could sweep him up and give him a squeeze and a kiss! This mama's baby boy is almost 17, 6'4" and weighs 230 pounds. He barely lets me squeeze him, much less give kisses. I still manage to sneak in a few here and there. Enjoy your beautiful boy! He is a wonder.
My daughter is just shy of four and for the last 2 years people have asked her why she isn't in school. The girl developed such a fear of school, I am not sure she will ever go willingly!!!
I can say she has never noticed their ignorance. She is truly tall for her age and her glasses make her look so wise (she is wise just not THAT wise).
I have the same fear of expectations though. I guard her, reassure her and love her no matter what (and tell her so!)
your son is beautiful, i bet he doesnt notice a thing because when you look at him he sees the way you light up. thats what he will remember from his childhood, the way his mommy loved him and was proud of everything he did.
"while people coo over babies, they have expectations of children"
That was a perfectly framed little bit of wisdom right there.
My toddler is so tall also, that I can see people think she's older and are already starting to have expectations of her doing things that are ahead of her. It makes me nervous for all the reasons you said.
Sometimes I think it's a shame that our culture doesn't always appreciate kids for what they are and how developmentally appropriate they are when they do things. Our culture wants them to sit down and be quiet and be good and behave. They are kids. Let them run around, be noisy and enjoy life while they still can.
You can always bring Graham to my house (not that I'm nearby). I will coo all day!
...and we have the exact opposite problem: my child is tiny for her age (at 3 y.o. she is c. 25lbs). People are constantly talking 'down' to her and are then surprised when she responds in a way that surpasses her look.
Either way, it's a battle!
I think that part of this is that it's harder to be a parent to a child than to a baby. Yes, with age comes greater independence, but with independence we relinquish control. Babies are cooed at because they are helpless, but also because the cooer knows they are in control of the baby (relatively speaking). A child is an independent being, and some people find that difficult to deal with.
Expectations are the root of all evil...
Graham's a kid - and should be allowed to act accordingly, regardless of his size.
I love a child full of life... I say that as my 3 year old daughter is BOUNCING off the wall as I type this.
I've noticed lately that people rush to coo over my 13-month old, and sort of...overlook my almost four-year-old. Not intentionally, of course, but my heart aches for him a little each time his baby brother wins the lion's share of attention just by clapping his hands or blowing kisses to strangers.
I may be speaking out of turn here, but I think it incredibly rude that people should question your child's speech or toilet training. It's none of their damn business! My experience of children is that they all do all the developmental milestones according to their own inbuilt timetable.
Your tiddler looks like a wonderful child to me - from reading your blog, my expectations of him (such as they are) are that he will grow to be an intelligent, caring, honest man.
x
It's the worst.
I also fight the battle over more attention paid to my little one than the bigger one. If someone asks about the (almost four year old) baby, I make sure to fill in the details for the big kid, too.
And yet, and yet, as I dropped my big kid at camp today, I caught myself watching a mom having a very difficult time transitioning her baby to the big kid bus, and as my heart broke for her (I was there, too, not so long ago), I thought, "Whew, at least this time it's not mine having the tough day." With his maturity and experience, some bits of the world are easier to manage.
I do understand. People always looked at my older son, commented on his hair, how cute he was. Now there's a younger brother, who seems to get the attention. I feel a bit sad, though, watching him be somewhat overlooked at times.
*sighs*
Yeah, I remember when that happened with Ben. Broke my heart.
You know what hurts me more? People make a huge fuss over Alex--who doesn't care at all--while IGNORING Ben, who is standing right there.
I always point those strangers to my other son. The one who notices when people ignore him.
*sighs*
Great, now I'm crying.
Daniel became "Dan" at the age of 4 and it changed the way the world looked at him.
I hear your words so clear.
Nice post, as always
That's a shame. I bet he doesn't notice.
My son is tall for his age too, people ask how old he is and when I tell them they all say "Oh my he's tall."
Maybe when he's a little older I'll get him a shirt that says "Back off, I'm only two."
People can be so rude these days.
You make very good points...I love skiplovey's suggestion about the shirt! But at 2, he probably has no idea. Hopefully folks who think he's older will be pleasantly surprised when they see how well behaved he really is!
Thankfully he probably does not notice. I am worried this same thing will happen with my daughter soon. She is only 16 months but people mistake her for being over 2 years because of her height.
It's really sad how some people can just be so rude.
I don't know why, but I have embraced every new stage that has come wholeheartedly--maybe it's because I always had younger ones coming up.
Just focus on the fact that there is now way that baby Graham could have known the joy of the wind in his hair as he rides his bike--the way the BOY in the photo is.
You write so beautifully. I hope he doesn't notice it. My heart goes out for him if he does.
he is welcome at my house, anytime.
I have the exact opposite problem. My oldest is very tiny for his age, and I am very tall. The rudest comments about his height are thrown at him and me all the time.. people just have no class sometimes.. or maybe it is lack of a functioning brain.
I doubt he notices..but your right as a Mama to worry. :)
The important people to your son will always light up when they see him. But I've never thought of this before and your right how people's perceptions change as they get bigger.
We went through the same stuff. My daughter is tall and is very verbal, and even when she was 2 she was mistaken for 4. It is hard to watch, isn't it?
You are one thoughtful mama, Kelly. I think your friends here are correct. He doesn't care what anyone but you thinks. He sees your heart lift every time you look at him. Enjoy and embrace his enthusiasm and joy, see the world through his eyes and you will forget all about what other's think or see.
Something that I have learned the hard way with my first is, if you are concerned with how other's perceive your child, he will learn to be self-conscious.
I do find it sad. I find it sad when I see others look at my kids that way, but I also find it sad when I look at other peoples kids that way (and I know I do). My youngest is so cute and he plays with my neighbours son who is a few months younger. My neighbour and I look at them wistfully wishing that they could stay this young and cute cause we know that when we look at our older kids it isn't the same. :(
Wonderful post.
I notice the negativity more with my son than with my daughter and I don't know why. She is nearing 2 and I feel like people don't "brace" themselves for her like they did when my son was nearing 2.
Maybe it's that he's a boy and she a girl...I don't really know. It's sad...all of it, the expectations, the judging, the woman assuming, the men staring. I hate it.
I wish toddlers and children were embraced with the same fervor that babies are.
Maybe your son is so busy growing up and learning how to be independent that he doesn't notice, or that he's glad not to get all the attention. :) I for one will be glad when Fly and I stop attracting pushy, nosy, in-your-face grandma types.
I totally get the size/age issue, though. That happened to my brother, and I've had a mild episode of it with Fly (who's not even a giant for his age, just a little on the tall side). It's definitely one drawback of being tall for your age -- but, one he will probably have to deal with until he's an adult, and then he'll get all the "How's the weather up there?" jokes.
My almost-6-year-old daughter has always been tall for her age. She was tall enough to ride the big rollercoasters when she was 3. It is hard because people expect more from her, but sometimes great expectations can lead to them coming true sooner than you thought possible.
It's also important to remain an advocate for your child. I'm still constantly reminding people that she's only 5, even though she looks like she could be 8.
♡ I feel for you! All my kids are taller than kids their age. I was the same way growing up too. We went trick or treating I was 8 my brother 9 and because we were tall my brother I believe at this time was 5' 10" and now is 6' 4"... We had several people say things about out age. Easy mistake but disappointing for the child...
People do expect more the older they assume a child to be, don't they? I just can't get over how brash some of them are with their advice and assumptions. However, I assure you, they have still got to be cooing in between clucks, because he is a gorgeous boy.
I have this situation too. It's heartbreaking.
I see the light. I do. I will always . . . ever since having J I am even more drawn to children, especially boys as they are without the cute pig tails, adorable floral skirts, and "sugar and spice." I see the baby, but more importantly I see all that they will do and will be.
It is so odd, but as he was being admired by a gaggle of waitresses this past weekend, I made the comment that this sort of attention won't last.
It is sad, because it is often while basking in the sun that we shine . . .
I really admire how you see the world. Honest . . . with heart. Just keep being his light, momma.
You always articulate so beautifully what I would like to. I feel the same way.....now I have to feel sorry for those people that automatically assume that walking, talking children are trouble.
I totally hear you on this. As my kids get bigger, so do my fears for them.
The world can be a cruel place, and I dread the day that they figure that out.
Thank goodness there are cute and adorable things about each stage of childhood. I'm sure Graham is saying endearing things now, which he wasn't doing as a baby. :) Of course, we don't discuss the teen years today!!!
I used to teach music to children 2.5 - 5 and I had to always remind myself that so-in-so is only so old, because they looked much older and I would expect way too much out of them. I learned that in my first couple weeks of teaching from a colleague. Unfortunately not everyone does that.
On the other foot...my son is quite small for his age and we get the "I can't believe you allow that at that age" situation. But then, that's more on us than the actual child.
Just keep "loving on him" and everything will be great!!!!
A sad truth. My son is also very tall for his age and I have experienced some of the same misconceptions about what he "should" be able to do.
I agree, I get it all the time too. When we enter a store people look like they're going into cardiac arrest when they look at me with three kids. Like somehow something we do is going to truly affect their day??? I appreciate so much when other moms or kind people look at us and smile, or offer some sweet words. I try to remember the "what a beautiful family you have" comments and leave the rolled eyes and heavy sighs back at the grocery store!
some people are better thought of as donkey ass.
make sure though, as he enters school, that he is not labelled. Active little boys often are. And it is hideously unfair.
As much as I sometimes complain that life isn't fair for us girls, it isn't fair for the boys either. It's something I also noticed when my son was growing up. He's now 6'5" and has a shaved head. Looks scary. Couldn't be a bigger teddy bear. But the world, you know? They judge.
Hug him a little tighter while you can, Mama.
Peace - D
This post tugged on my heart strings.
Chicka is very tall for her age too. Just the other day we met a 3 year old that was the same size as her. You're right, people forget that they're still so young.
But in the end, you're the ones that are important. It's his mama and daddy that will always be the ones who matter.
xo
Graham still looks like a baby to me ;). He really is precious.
I hear you on this though; the girlie is now 3.5, and it was so very apparent over this past weekend when we met relatives, that she's the "little girl" now that she's got two baby girl cousins (11 months). And the boy, well, he may as well be a teen now that he's turned 8!
Fabulous post, Kelly! It is so true - all of it. But, I don't think they notice. They could really care less about what others think of them - don't you think? I love that about children. They just go out into the world and love it - regardless!
Have a good evening -Kellan
*sigh*
This post, so fraught with emotion, really socked me in the chest.
Yep it's really the way the world goes. He will have his days but overall just revel in him...that's all that matters.
This reminded me of when my son was in the inbetween and he didn't know how to handle it. He'd pretend he was a monster and growl and be silly loud. No one thought he was so cute, just a little weird. Well, get ready world, for a whole lot of weird!
First time reader.
Worded so perfectly. I come from a "tall family" and we are all too familiar with what you describe here. I am sure your son will grow and learn how to deflect ignorance right when he needs to, at the right time. For now he's simply enjoying life and as others have said, your love is all he's looking for right now.
Again, beautifully written. He's a lucky guy to have a mama like you.
k
This is why I probably shouldn't mother any kids. I would have to box the ladies that asked those stupid questions. Man, people are inconsiderate as hell. What if your son was the age they thought he was and hadn't started walking or using the potty yet? It would be none of their damn business. Grr!
I miss the baby fat too. I miss those little toes. Beautiful writing!
This is so true. It's worse when they have a younger sibling--which is the case for my two.
People always "ooh and ahh," over my little one, and my older one is just sort of forgotten about! :(
(And because I'm a regular lurker--I would just like to say, that you are very, very, perceptive--You're always dead-on in my opinion.) :)
I never thought about the transition from babyhood to childhood that way. I'm sure Graham is just happy progressing at his own rate- being tall will come in handy when he's older and wants to date models :)
My son has had the same issue all of his almost 3 years of his life. He always was and still is very tall for his age. None of the age appropriate toys are the right size for him, he wears 5T clothing. And people automatically assume he should understand and do more than he is truly ready for because of his height.
It is so hard when children are tall and boys especially. That whole thing about people expecting more because they think he is older. It is difficult. But the important thing is that you see all of his charm and wonderful little boyness. That is most important. I doubt he notices anyone else noticing him.
People are always wishing our lives away. You know the kind of thing, 'Enjoy it while you can, they grow up so fast'.
Graham looks a complete charmer to me. I should think the only people who's opinions really matter to him are yours and his dad's.
He's just so adorable and you capture his essence so well. You attention to him and how others respond to him is beautifully written.
Blessings.
Aw, Kelly, I know this too well. You likely remember that Maddy is very tall for her age and not only that she speaks like a Kindergarten child. We have long struggled with people (grandparents included!!) having unreasonable expectations for a 2.5 year old. Just because she can verbalize herself doesn't mean she isn't entitled to the rough and tumble toddler play and occasional spectacular tantrum over a perceived injustice. She has an intense personalitly, "spirited" is what we call it and I've had to speak to people about embracing it and enjoying, rather than looking at it as a negative. It's hard and heartbreaking watching others react in even the slightest negative to your baby. We have the opposite with Chris...insensitive comments about his small size, people telling me I must not be feeding him enough and it goes on and on whenever we take him out. I'm starting to develop a thick skin and a smart mouth...
Hugs to you and thanks for a beautiful post about your wonderful, lively, amazing little boy. I wish we were still in Toronto so the kids could play, I bet they'd have fun!
Wendy
Thanks for popping over - I promise I'm not really 'Henbo'!
I feel for you on the size thing - we had the opposite with our No 2 - she is tiny, and had chronic excema - If I had a penny for everytime someone commented and told me what I was doing wrong....I'd own my own desert island by now!
I know they were probably trying to be helpful...but it always came out feeling more judgemental.
Just enjoy him - he'll soon be a dashing and handsome 6' tall dish!
Hen
How ridiculous and presumptuous of people. I work the front door from time to time at my church and seeing the kids come bounding in with all that energy is one of my favorite things. If adults could take the time to cherish and value the energy and spunk of our children, this world would be a much happier and lighter place.
Its so scary when life muscles in on their little world isn't it? I remember that so much with Miss E, the knowledge that not everyone will see the sweet little monkey that I do and that there will be some people who do not like her or will be unkind to her. It's so hard, especially when Graham is still such a little one and should be 'safe' for a bit longer. I'm sure he will be ok as he will always be able to see that look in your eyes, but it's still not fair is it? Great post, and yes, I do tummy tucks cheap. I could even match the thread to that gorgeous sundress below. ;)
Oh and I added you to my blogroll as I reckon you're kind of a bit fabulous. Hope that's ok. :D
well, it sounds like to me that you have enough love and head-over-heals adoration for you to block out all of those negative expectations & glances. Don't let society's expectations & standards creep in...you keep being the great mom it definitely appears that you are!
I am sure he doesn't realize it at all. We mothers worry so much about everything and the world can be judgmental.
I wish I could follow my own advice and say, "Don't worry so much."
Expectations, accountability and commitments. Not words you want to be using when it comes to a wee one. As a society, we put a lot of pressure on our kids (just wait, it gets worse in school).
Great post.
Heidi
Kids are obliviously of this kind of thing, I'm convinced. And if they do happen to notice they see their parents' reaction to the comments the most. If the parents don't seem to be bothered by it, they won't either.
As long as he is secure with your love (which I know he is) all is well. :)
Babies allow us to coo and goo, though. Toddlers and big kids have their own agendas, and aren't able to stay still long enough to get fawned over.
It is a bit startling when your baby is no longer a baby. My youngest is 2 1/2 and looks much older, as well. Add to that, the fact that she's an early talker and has to keep up with her brothers and you have a 2 year old who looks and acts like a 4 year old... mostly. Until she's acting 2 again, and then I feel the looks at times. I just shrug them off. Everyone's kid misbehaves. Every kid does the foxtrot growing up and has to backstep to get ahead.
Really, kids are just the recipients of what we all do to each other. We judge, or narrow our eyes, or ask whispered questions, even if it's only to ourselves.
We probably feel it more keenly when we are a mother and 100% responsible for the ones in our care.
This was so well written. This seems to be going on in my life to, people have started telling how their son was a late walker too, instead of he'll be walking soon'. I just want to tell them to shut up, he's my sweet baby!
Great post!
I wrote this post about a year ago. It is the same sort of sentiment, but different. A mom called me out for KayTar's use of the bottle. She had no idea of the feeding disorder or anything else, but it still stung. I sent her a letter, explaining that things aren't always what they seem and she was so apologetic. She said her son was always tall for his age (like Graham) and people always had unfair expectation of him because of it and she couldn't believe she had done the same thing to us.
I think we can all be guilty of that sort of judgment and we have to remember to keep it in check.
Hi there! I say don't worry about what other people think. You and your little guy will never make EVERYONE happy. There will always be someone has something to say. Just enjoy every moment with him and ignore others. I know that is hard - but they really don't matter. Only your son does. And he is adorable!
Denise (the pink floral sundress wearer!)
Blessings from Above
http://blessingsfromabove2.blogspot.com
I know EXACTLY what you mean. Bean is a HUGE 3 1/2 year old. Seriously he is 43 pounds and 44 inches.
But he still has a little bit of a baby face. Peopel look at him like he should be 5! But he isn't. I just glare right back at people. If they have a problem, they can talk to me.
so ture!! The day they become little boys, others do have a different attitude!
I have that same problem with people thinking my kid is older than he is because of his large size. I mean - at 10 months he was the average height of an 18 month old.
That being said, I have people look at my son with trepidation, too ... even though he's only 11 months old! The thing that really gets me is when they say something like, "Well isn't HE nice and fat." I want to say, "SO ARE YOU!"
Regardless of size, it is sad how the reaction to children DOES change from adoration to expectation.
KEEP BELIEVING
Omigoodness, I know that look and it makes my heart sad. Even worse, people coo and fawn over the Little Guy and completely ignore the Boy. The Boy is great (when he wants to be) and really well behaved for a 3.5 yr old (except when he's not).
I think he'd only notice if you stopped looking at him that way. He's doing to be just fine!
I've live a few different communities now, with my two energetic little boys, and I find people's attitudes toward small children vary, depending on where you live. Halifax, for example, I found to be extraordinarily un-kid friendly. We were glared at everywhere. At one restaurant, we were glared right out of the place not more than 10 minutes after we arrived (we'd been served water and we'd been given our menus). One time, a man sourly asked us to choose a different table - one further away from him. The last town we lived in, in New Brunswick, was a bit more friendly. But our new town, in Ontario, is great. There are playgrounds, families, and kid-friendly museums everywhere. Librarians offer to put animal-shaped stamps on the kids' hands. People, even in the nice restaurants and "grown-up" places (malls, movie theatres, art galleries, etc...), smile adoringly at the boys instead of glaring at us until we run in terror. It's been very nice.
So true. So hard.
I also often wonder if my older girl notices the difference in the attention her "baby" sister receives.
dont worry babe. i am in the same boat. Speedy is 9 and comes from 2 amazonian parents (i am 6ft and her dad is 6'2).. at the moment she stands at just over 4 and a half feet tall. she has always been tall for her age and i have always had the same issue with people wondering why what they think is a 5 year old isnt doing certain things, meanwhile she just turned 3. makes me crazy i tell ya
I struggle with this too, but it's a little different. People always used to "ooh" and "ahh" over both girls. Goosey would smile so happy and bask in the adoration. Now days though people are attracted to Lulu's red curls and she's so tiny for her age that they're always amazed with how verbal she is. That's great...but what is NOT great is how they ignore Goosey. They will fuss all over Lulu and just pretend they don't see Goose. And it breaks her heart, breaking mine as well. I've started saying, "Yes, and Goosey has such beautiful straight golden hair". Sometimes people get it, but sometimes they don't.
If I saw Graham & would look at him with happy, happy eyes, I promise!
Oh, I recognise this one. My 'just turned four' year old daughter is in age 6/7 clothes so I have had that "expectation" problem for a while.
It looks and sounds like he is having too much fun to notice any expectations the grown-up world has for him right now. With your love and encouragement, I bet that wonder for life that he has will continue to blossom and grow!
I would be more than excited to see your boy. I swear. I love kids, and I'm not just saying that!
xo
What a wonderful post. Well put.
Childhood is a gift...the innocence, enthusiasm, literally jumping up and down in excitement, belly laughs, genuine smiles, giving hearts, it's how we all should be. I actually envy it. What a better place this world would be if after we talked to someone for just a few minutes, that person was now considered our new "best friend". Children are so uninhibited, unassuming, and non-judgemental. Sure they have their crazy moments, but don't we all??? Childhood should be cherished...and for those people out there who can't appreciate that...well, I feel sorry for them.
P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Feel free to drop in anytime. You've inspired me now...I may have to post something about this - with due credit, of course! :)
beautiful post.
with a very tall child I know this feeling of expectations being extra heightened
I'm getting this all the time now with my Baby Boo. People think he's 2 and expect 2 year old behavior. And the looks he gets when he acts like, well, a just turned one year old!
sigh
Fantastic post. I can relate. And can I also add another mom sadness? When people fuss and coo over your second baby while not even saying hello to your older child standing right next to you.
Just because he's not a baby doesn't mean you can't "fuss" over him too.
I wish I could tell you how deeply I felt this particular post. I have noticed this with my son as well and it just about moves me to tears. The mother in me wants to just hide him away from the big bad world, but I know I can't shelter him forever.
He is utterly beautiful, in every way.
I love this. I can really relate to it as a mother to a very tall 2.5 year old boy. Heartfelt and beautifully said.
Oh, and Happy Canada Day! You know I have a thing for your country...
I am right there with you - my daughter will be three in August, but she is tall and is often mistaken for a 4, even a 5 year old.
Sometimes we get the hairy eyeball, and I just look at people and say, "Hey, she's TWO, what do you want?" That usually shuts them down.
Great blog!!
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
I hate it when people do that. I try so hard not to be like them. I hope he doesn't notice.
I love the moments you capture in his pictures. I have a nephew who looks quite a bit older than he is, and its been hard sometimes. People don't just see bigger, they think older and they expect more. On the upside--It's always a little poetic justice when they out pace people's unrealistic expectations of them.
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