Friday, April 4, 2008

Home

I miss my mom.

I apologize in advance to those of you whose mothers are not alive, because I can only imagine that the hole their absence leaves in your heart is considerably bigger than the one in mine.

But still.

My mom, along with my father and two of his siblings, headed out on a cross-Canada road trip last week that will last the better part of a month. They’re going to drive through the Rockies, visit another sibling in Meritt, British Columbia and soak up the relatively warm weather in Vancouver.

It’s not like I would be spending the better part of that month visiting her at my childhood home if she were there, it’s just I feel strangely disconcerted knowing that she isn’t.

She called a few days ago, her voice thin and crackling, on a cheap cell phone they are carrying but not leaving on. The call came at the end of a particularly stressful day for me and I longed to keep her on the line and throw all the crappy minute details of my day at her so she could catch them and make them melt away as she does with a sympathetic click of her tongue.

But I didn’t, of course, because she was only calling to say hi, to check in and to be reassured that all was right in my world before she went back to the vacation that she so deserves: I kept it brief.

Twice since then I have reached for the phone to call her and felt the realization that I couldn’t wash over me like a rebuke over a spoiled child.

All my life I have made an art form of fierce independence and so it’s strange that now, at 38 years of age, ensconced in my own home and responsible for my own family, I so crave the sound of her voice, the exchange of inanities and the ensuing calmness that her presence brings to my life.

I can’t help but wonder if one day when Graham is a grown man and beset with worries – (and he surely will be, because aren’t we all much of the time?) he will take the same comfort in my very presence. I wonder if the struggles that Rob and I now endure will bring a perverse kind of comfort to him one day, reduced, as they surely will be, to mere anecdotes about the inevitability of life’s struggles and the endurance of the human spirit.

It has been a bitter winter this year – more bitter than I’ve dared detail in this blog. It’s true that in the last few days both the literal and figurative arrival of spring has seemed imminent.

But I’m weary of the season.

And I miss my mom.

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63 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Oh, you are so lucky! And no doubt Graham will be lucky, too.

Girl said...

I miss my Mom too. You're in uh, good company?

Kami said...

I know what you mean, I miss my mom too when she is not a phone call away.

A friend of mine just lost her mom very suddenly. I can't even fathom that kind of pain. And for now I am saved from doing so but the day will come.

I think this post is great because you are not taking her for granted while she is still her :-)

Kami said...

Here.... not her... hopefully she will always be her!

tommie said...

I think that was one of the hardest things about marrying a soldier. I lived within two hours of my mom until I was 30.....then all of a sudden he off and moves us to Alaska (from Oklahoma) about 4000 miles away. Since then we have moved several more times. It never gets any easier, but a phone call is nice.

Do we ever grow up and not need our mommies? I guess not.

Are You Serious! said...

♥ I don't get to see my mom very often at all so I can understand how you're feeling! :)

April said...

I'd pick up the phone and call her. One thing I've learned from my own mom; they like being needed again every now and then. Let her know that it's not the end of the world, but that you just want to talk to her. I have a feeling you'd make her day.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

I saw this in my reader and had to come right over. I want my mom too!
I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I can relate to being in a winter of your life. I feel like that at the moment too, one that has been slowly building in intensity for years, but at the same time I see the promise of a spring like I have never seen before. And in my deep sorrow I am awash in hopeful expectation.
I pray that your spring is indeed right in front of you

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Your mom will be very happy to read this.

Dawn said...

I don't think we ever grow out of needing our moms. Wonderful post.

Cee said...

It's nice that you keep so closely in touch with your mom. I can only take mine in very small doses and I always feel guilty about that.

Momma Mary said...

Aw. You made me miss my mommy!!

Wonderful post. If it weren't 2am where mine lives, I would call her. I will tomorrow!

She'll be back from her vaca soon enough!

flutter said...

I miss your mom, too!

(and mine)

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

You know what? I bet she misses you a lot too, but she'll be back soon and before you know it you'll be seeing each other and talking about her trip.

The winter was a looonnng one, I'm so glad spring is almost here!!

Gabriella

oda41143 Missy said...

That's awesome that you miss your mom. Shows how much you love her.

Kat said...

It is so nice to hear that you're so close with your mom. I totally know how you feel (in general - not right now though because I am at my parents house as I write this) I usually miss my mom too.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Sounds like you need a hug.

((HUG))

Law Student Hot Mama said...

Aww. I'm so jealous of her trip! I want to come!

Mary said...

My parents are always off on road trips in the summer.......I always miss them. It's a weird feeling when you just can't pick up the phone and get someone on the other end when you want to.

Anna said...

I miss my mom too. I hate being in a different state than the rest of my family!

David said...

Beautiful, poignant, and a wonderful read. Mothers and daughters.
Thank you
David

Mandy said...

As a transplant to the west coast, I only see my mom in chunks of time. A month out here in Vancouver, two weeks back home in Ontario. I wish we lived closer. I grew up without grandparents and hated it. Now the same (in a way) is happening to my kids. There really is nothing like a mom and I hope my two boys will always be close to me in spirit and physical space.

C said...

Oh! I can totally relate! Funny how even when we're in our 30's (or 40's, 50's and 60's), we'll always be our parents' children!

Wonderful post by such a wonderful writer! XO

MCmommy said...

I know what you mean. I talk to my mom multiple times every single day....and she only lives 4 minutes away from me!

Moms just have a way of making everything better.

MCmommy said...

I know what you mean. I talk to my mom multiple times every single day....and she only lives 4 minutes away from me!

Moms just have a way of making everything better.

Becky said...

When my friend Steph died a couple of months ago, my parents happened to be on vacation (which always seems to be the case when they leave: something crappy happens), and although I am not very close to them (even though I see them most days), all I wanted to do was call my mom. Not that she could have done anything or said anything to make it better for me.

So it makes sense to me.

I'm sorry that you miss her.

Mommy Cracked said...

My parents once took a two week trip a few years ago, and it made me realize that Mom was my best friend and I was totally lost without seeing her and talking to her at length. ((hugs))

Melissa said...

My mom is leaving for Alaska at the end of May, I'm so feeling you on this post!

(((hugs)))

HRH said...

I so agree. My mom is the only reason I am sane as a mother myself. When I get sick at 38 I still want her to come over and fix it. I am so blessed with her help. I try not to whine when she and dad go enjoy their retirement (the nerve!)

Heather said...

My mom is my friend too, so I totally get this.

SaraLynn said...

I miss my mom when she just goes for a weekend trip, so I understand. So sorry you feel blue :(
((hugs))

GoMommy said...

Oh I love this post! How beautiful. There are so many times I just want my mom! I miss my mom too, and we're lucky they are only a phone call away.

Momma said...

Indeed, a mother can make things all better, most of the time. I lost my mom two years ago, and I still sometimes reach for the phone, dying to make my Sunday call to her at the nursing home five states away. Can't do that anymore.

And I do miss her so.

I don't know if I'm the same comfort to my daughter. Our relationship is on and off. (She has many issues that go beyond what a mother can touch). With my son, however, I know he will always call me, lean on me, support me, and come home for a home-cooked meal. I hope he marries a woman who enjoys cooking, as he does, and enjoys eating, too. I'm going to miss him when he's married, but I will also be very proud. For my daughter, I'm hopeful.

It's always so nice to read about a daughter loving her mom. You may have felt a little selfish, but I assure you that your mother well knows how much you love her and need her. She'll be back before you know it.

Peace - D

KathyLikesPink said...

When I moved to the east coast, it was with the (mis)understanding that we would move back to the west coast within a couple of years. I've now been here 15 years. I have a good life here but it is NOT the same as living close enough to your parents you could drive there if you wanted or needed to.

Hang in there - it will be over soon - and you will have come away from this with a new understanding and appreciation of your relationship.

Amy said...

You described so beautifully what how most of us would feel. Hope the time passes quickly until her return. =)

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

I'm so sorry your missing your mom.

Mental P Mama said...

My mother died six years ago, and I still find myself reaching for the phone. You owe no explanations...we always need our mother, no matter where she is. I comfort myself with the thought that I now have a direct line to her, and we don't have to worry about her figuring out her voicemail. Because that was always an issue.

LaskiGal said...

My mom and I have had our fair share of trying moments, but especially since becoming a mother I have felt the need to talk to her more, see her more, rely on her more.

I can only hope that J feels he can come to me . . . that he will want to truly share his life with me, long after he has a family of his own.

Great post . . . so sweet.

Yvette said...

This is a beautiful post. I'm sure your mom already knows how special she is to you but after reading this, it will be confirmed. She will love it!

Amy said...

You are lucky to have that relationship. I hope my girls still derive comfort from my voice when they have families of their own.

Thursday said...

Call her when you feel the need - she'll appreciate it probably more than you know and you'll be so glad you did when the time comes that you no longer can call her. Believe me.

Family Adventure said...

I've just spent the last 8 months in close proximity to my mother, after 10 years with the Atlantic between us.

And now - I'm sleepless with anxiety that I have to leave her again.

Heidi

mamatulip said...

No need to apologize, DMD - whether alive or dead, we all miss and need our mothers.

It's been five years since my mum died and I found myself thinking I should call her after driving past a sign on the side of the road I knew she'd have a vested interest in. I haven't had an urge like that in a long time...it kind of startled me.

It never goes away, that longing.

I hope you get to talk to your mum again soon.

Kitty said...

I'm sure you'll talk to her again soon. It's always hardest to be the person who hasn't gone away, isn't it? The missing is so much stronger from that end of the experience.

Like everyone else, I can relate to this post.

Take care of yourself. x

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Laura said...

HUGS.

Jenifer said...

This was so nice! I feel the same way, my Mom was ill twice this winter and both times I missed her weekly visits so much.

JCK said...

I never get to see my mom enough. What a blessing to feel that way and have that problem. It sounds like you have a very special relationship with your mom.

I wish you a sweet spring with the bitter fading with the winter season.

Angie said...

As a mother of only boys and a woman who lives 5 hours from her mom, I can relate. I wonder often at what my adult relationship with my children will be. Will it be a fraction of the one I have and cherish with one of my best girlfriends, my mother?

KEEP BELIEVING

caramama said...

It is wonderful that you are so close with your mom. I am fortunate in that I'm also close, and unfortunate in that my mom has also gone out of town. Luckily, she is only away for a few days. But I see her every morning when I drop the Pumpkin off at her house, and we spend time chatting. I miss that when she is not around, so I understand and sympathize.

John-Michael said...

I say "Balderdash!" to your "like a rebuke over a spoiled child. Not a "spoiled" anything of the sort! You are being given an opportunity to enjoy a most marvelous Gift from Life! So, I entreat you, my marvelous and so-adored Friend, enjoy it! For, it is fleeting and swift to be no longer available to immerse your Self in. I beg you, bathe your Self in every indulgence in this wondrous relationship and waste not a drop of it. Lest you be left with some future "I wish I had" moments that are vacuous in their painful lackings. And if your mother should give you an askance look of "what's up?" ... proudly declare your intent to celebrate every tick of your clock of loving and enjoying that you can squeeze from the moments offered.

Whew! Didn't mean to be so vociferous ... but, doggone it, I love you and want ALL of life's best for You. No apologies here! [loving smile]

Jen said...

You should enter this in Scribbits Write Away Contest:

http://scribbit.blogspot.com/2008/04/aprils-write-away-contest.html

It totally fits the theme for April.

Kimmylyn said...

My mother is a daily call. Just to hear her. Even if it annoys me I know I am lucky to still have her apart of my life and my sons life.

What a beautiful post!

Molly said...

Recently I have been thinking about how in the world I will manage when my mother leaves this world. I just can't comprehend my life without her.

I hope your spring is sweeter.

Kathryn said...

This was such a beautiful post. I can relate to every word. And it makes me think of my mother's failing health and scares me to wonder what I will do when the day comes that I can't pick up the phone and call her on a whim.

Lisa said...

I hear ya...
My parents spent the winter in Florida for the first time this year, and usually they are only 4 hours away. There was something about knowing I couldn't just pop in the car & see my mom in a couple of hours that bugged me.

Last night they stopped & stayed at our house on their way back to their house here in Iowa. So nice knowing they're home!

Shan said...

I feel the same way about my Mom when she's away.

Elaine A. said...

I have had the same feeling when my parents have gone off traveling. It's like something isn't quite right with the world when they are not in the house they have called home for 32 years for an extended period of time. I hope you get a chance to really talk to her soon...

Scribbit said...

My parents moved away last summer and I get sappy and homesick for them every so often--like today, today's Mom's birthday.

Happy Days said...

My mom and dad were away for almost 6 weeks this winter. It was so tough! I felt homesick! You really have a way with words. Your mom will be so happy to read this!

Greg said...

I am a New York Times bestselling author working on a new book about mother-daughter relationships and thought you might want to contribute. Please visit my page for details about submitting stories for Mom's Little Angel.

Gregory E. Lang
Author of “Daddy’s Little Girl,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Dad,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Mom” and more.

nomotherearth said...

I know what you mean. I see my mom every week that I'm on mat leave, and at least a weekend once a month when I'm not. On Tuesday, she's going out of the country for almost a month, and I'm a bit lost. Weird, huh?

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