Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Extra! Extra! Scandal-ridden DMD drops out of political race

I think the whole world is well aware that the United States is in the middle of a rather bombastic to campaign to elect its next president, but some of you may be unaware that Canada is also in the middle of a federal election campaign.

While Canadian politics lack some of the drama found in the U.S., I have observed one particular phenomenon with great interest, sadness and regret: former bloggers are dropping out of the race like flies.

Apparently it really IS true that what you post on your blog today can prevent you from becoming Prime Minister tomorrow.

This is bad news folks, very bad news.

This means that in the event that my quest for complete cultural domination necessitates a run for political office, I could be royally screwed. Once the press and my political opponents start perusing my archives, the true picture of DMD is going to emerge and it's not going to be pretty.

I mean, right off the hop, the media will trumpet the fact that I have already declared myself unsuitable for political office.

And then it's gonna go downhill from there.

First the pundits will look into my take on social issues.

The right wing will dismiss me as a sniveling Liberal, admitting as I have to, plotting a revolution against the establishment and questioning authority at every turn.

The left wing is going to peg me as a raging fascist who would force kids to cut their damn hair and legislate against parents trying too hard to be hip. Also? I have no compassion for America's sweetheart mom and therefore no heart.

Once they start digging up the dirt in my personal life, I'm going to be all but finished. Where do I start?

I have proudly admitted that I am a big, fat liar who lusts after men - boys, really - young enough to be my son. Also, I am addicted to tabloid sleaze and continually enjoy an inner dialogue about how everyone I encounter is stupid and ugly.

I'll be lucky someone doesn't spirit Graham away after news of my parenting skills - or lack thereof - are made public. Let's see: I hit my child and exploit him for money. I park him in front of the television, expose him to my grotesque nakedness and harbour deep-seated fears that I might harm him. I didn't even bother to take him out for Halloween last year for Gawd's sake!

The idea that I may have inadvertently torpedoed my political career is really upsetting. I mean, for you, more than for me. Now, in all likelihood, the free world will never know rule under Don Mills Diva.

And that's a shame, it really is.

And you know what?

I blame it all on Graham.

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33 comments:

Jaina said...

Oh goodness. Never considered that.

Elaine A. said...

It would certainly make for an intersting campaign! ; )

Reluctant Housewife said...

Might increase traffic on the ol' blog a bit though... I can see your campaign posters now "DMD... Read all about it" Followed by your URL. Might be genius.

common mom said...

HA! I wonder how many people actually feel like hypocrites when they count out a candidate for whatever reason . . . smoking pot 30 years ago, skipping out on a parking ticket, trespassing on federal land to hike a beautiful mountain, permanently borrowing a picture keychain thingy from an amusement park when you were 13.

I say we all run for office and see how fun the campaign turns out :-)

Kathryn said...

Hahahaha!!!! You are too funny. Loved this post! :)

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

Oh! I may need to stop blogging now. I mean, I have only been seriously blogging since August. The archives aren't too full and possibly not too revealing yet. Because... you never know when that switch will happen... the day you decide that although you may "just" be a SAHM or WAHM or WM, that you too should have your shot at running for public office.

This puts a choice before me. I wonder what I will decide? LOL

(Now without sarcasm: You are soooo funny! I love this post.)

Kathleen said...

That is a tragedy. Our loss is incalcuable. I'll be in the closet crying.

Rachel said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ;-)

In essence, our blogs could screw our kids for life too.

Because really, people need to get a freaking life ;-) LOL.

I adore you.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I think you're onto something... instead of campaigning, I think all eligible candidates need to have been maintaining a blog for at least 5 years!

Dawn said...

;p That was so funny! I wish the candidates here in the U.S. had kept blogs...that would be interesting.

Awesome Mom said...

Bummer and I totally would have voted for you well if I was Canadian which I am not. Too bad you can't run for office here in the US.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

I'd vote for ya...I mean heck, as you can tell, honesty is a RARE commodity down here in the states when it comes to our politicos.

I echo awesome mom...too bad you can't run for office down here!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

This is why my kids have fake names on my blog--I have every intention one of my children will rule the world (and take care of me) ;)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

That's why I turned down the VP spot when McCain called. Okay, that joke would only work if I was a Republican. Which I definitely am not!

kittenpie said...

See, now this is EXACTLY why I try to stay under the radar...

Guess you'll have to be content with ruling Playdate's fashion zone, then?

Laura said...

oh my - what a good post!!!!

Heather said...

Come to America and maybe you'll get on the Vice President ticket.

Bryan said...

just being a hottie makes you electable in america. and since canada is basically a big suburb of the us, i'm sure it's the same there.

bejewell@yahoo.com said...

You'd STILL make a better VP than Palin.

You've totally got my vote.

Helen E.M. Wright said...

Totally have my vote!!

Actually when you look in history one of the few political leaders 'perfect on paper' was Hitler!

Kat said...

This is why you hire a team to make sure they can dig up more dirt on your opponent than they can dig up on you. I think you could still win.

caramama said...

Bwahahahah! Very funny! Too bad, though. I might have moved to Canada to be ruled by DMD!

Denise said...

It would be such a tragedy!!! But you would have my vote!

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Oh, you are DEFINITELY my write in candidate! :) Hilarious!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I better quit blogging else my plan to take over the world get nipped in the bud.

KEEP BELIEVING

Karen MEG said...

I'm too busy laughing to know what to write.

Missing ya girl, this work thing just threatens to annihilate my blog time...

Valarie said...

When I first saw the title I was like "Oh dear Lord no!! No more politics!!" But this. was. awesome!! So funny. Thank you!!

flutter said...

I am writing you in on the ballot. suck it up. ;p

3continentfamily said...

wow, that was awesome. sure you can't run for something in the US?

Jen said...

Ha ha, I love this post.

April said...

I wish we, the voters, had access to these people as real people! I wish the answers on the questionnaire were public knowledge. The fact is, no one is worthy of the type of demagogue that we Americans seem to want. Maybe if they all just admitted their humanity, we could concentrate more on the actual job qualifications!
p.s. I'd vote for you!

Joanna said...

Well dang! There went my plan to move to Canada and vote for you. Pooh.

Pinky said...

Oh, DMD! We need a leader like you in this screwed up world of ours!!!
Don't forsake us now! ;-)