Thursday, February 21, 2008

Hope

I dreamt last night that I was dating a much younger man.

A boy, really.

But there was nothing the least bit salacious about it, though the boy in my dream was only about 18 years old.

I was the same age in my dream. I was tall and lean and beautiful and infused with a feeling of strength and power so vivid that even now it hovers tantalizingly close, just outside daylight’s grasp.

And it was summertime and we were at the lake and we were surrounded by sun-kissed friends and the August air was thick with possibility and yearning. And if I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I can smell the air still and it moves me to tears because it smells so impossibly sweet.

I have stress in my life right now. I have adult problems, heavy and complicated: problems that will be resolved, but only by putting my 38-year-old head down and slogging grimly through them.

And so it was with a heavy heart that I awoke from my summer dream this cold, dark February morning. It was with an exquisite ache that I felt summertime slip from my memory and disappear into the gloom.

But summer will be back, of this I am certain.

Because even as I shivered and my bones protested the early hour, a tiny ray of sunshine beckoned me forward.

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50 comments:

LoriD said...

Grown-up problems suck. Of course, when I was 18, I thought 18-year-old problems sucked. If only I could go back and tell myself how foolish I was being...

Kimmylyn said...

It is funny because the adult problems suck.. but could you imagine going through them without your little ray of sunshine? My boys are what pick me up on my crappiest days..

I love how you described your dream though.. it made me feel like I could feel that August air.. :)

Kitty said...

I had one of those evocative dreams last night - I can't really recall it now, but I could when I woke.

I hope you manage to work out your adult problems ... such problems have been consuming me for a while - it's utterly exhausting, isn't it? Take care. x

OHmommy said...

I hate adult problems. I hope you work through them. This weather doesn't help, huh? Hang in there Diva... post some hooker heel pictures to make everyone happy. Heels are happy.

Rima said...

Your dream has made ME wistful! It sounded divine. I hope you can work through the headachy adult business quickly.

Someone Being Me said...

Awww...what a great face to wake up to. Grown up things do suck. I hate dealing with all the bills and responsibilities.

Zoe said...

freaking blogger. hopefully my comment wont be here like 7 times. wouldn't it be nice to be 18 again...young...hot...without any "adult" problems...*sigh*

Kellan said...

Yes ... those babies have a way of bringing sunshine even into the darkest day! I'm sorry you are having issues right now - I hope you work through everything and all works out. I will keep you in my thoughts. Take care - Kellan

Amy said...

despite whatever problems you have, i love your optimism. your writing is lovely!

painted maypole said...

there are some things better than summer at 18, it's true. good luck slogging through this "winter" you are facing.

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry there's so much stress in your life right now. Your writing is so full of hope and beauty. Your little ray of sunshine really is quite precious. Hope you feel better soon.

Kat said...

Grown up stuff sucks. Glad you got your little sunshine to lift you up...

Mrs. Chicken said...

I, too, am longing for summer. Hoping your troubles melt long before the snow does.

jennwa said...

I can not wait until summer get here. I am sick of the cold.
I sometimes miss those days of going to the beach with my friends and my only problem was a zit on my forehead.
I hope things workout quickly for you. You knew being a grown up sucked so much ?

Kelli said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Kevin won but I didnt. boohoo. About a third of the people won something. just not me!!! hehe
Glad to read a new blog (new to me) again thanks for stopping by. Cute son. Kelli

Rachel said...

I had dreams like this all the time when I was pregnant. I think it was my body's way of saying goodbye to my youth. Or some hoo-ha like that. But really, once you have that kid, you'll never again be like you were when you dated 18 year old boys, will you? You're actually better.

GoMommy said...

I'm so sorry you're having troubles- of course when you see that baby boy's sweet face it makes them disappear, if only for awhile.
I hope you're "grown-up problems" are resolved soon.

Anne said...

It is hard to wake up from those dreams. They are so sweet. It's true, you can never go back... but you can go forward! Great picture of you sun (son). :-)

Momo Fali said...

Yes, our children can sometimes be the only sunshine in a very cloudy adulthood. I wish you quick and easy slogging.

Pam said...

I wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment - I love knowing who is out there reading my ramblings!

Being a grown up stinks at times! Glad you have someone so fabulous to wake up to!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Gosh, I am right there with you in the mire and slush of this February of Adulthood. Praying for the summer for you and for myself as well. Aren't we blessed with our daily doses of sun and hope and love?!
Thinking of you.
K

Laura said...

Adult problems are no fun...you know my email address if you need a friend...hang in there and have faith in yourself.HUGS.

And yes, the sunshine will always warm you, even on the coldest days. What a cutie!

Corey~living and loving said...

and the best kind of sonshine of all! :)

Melissa said...

And isn't that why we get up everyday even when things are rough? Sometimes I truly believe Hope is mt lifeline.

tricki_nicki said...

What a sweet little man you have there!

Heather said...

Mmmm. Summer. And Mmmmm erotic dreams.

tommie said...

made me think of a nursery rhyme I sing to my kids:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

newduck said...

Is this winter ever going to end? I'm waiting breathlessly for my own ray of sunshine, but am beginning to believe that neither this winter nor this pregnancy will ever end.

Hmm, that's not exactly a sunny comment to leave someone, is it? I apologize and am sending you an I.O.U. for a cheerier comment at some point in the future!

ALF said...

Being a grown up blows. That is one cute little boy. I could squeeze him!

Ms. Porter said...

Look at that face.....smooooch!
smooch to you too..hand in there.

Nap Warden said...

Ugh, adult problems...I sometimes wonder how that happened to us.

You are a very talented writer btw:)

Lulu said...

Thoughts of sunshine in dark times, literally and figuratively, get you through most anything. Stay positive, my dear. :)

Lizzy in the Burbs said...

Sorry things are kind of rough at the moment. Hoping better times are on the horizon for you! Until then, you have your dreams and your precious little Graham to lift your spirits! Take care!

Lizzy

Barrie said...

I know you'll slog through your adult stuff. Will be thinking of you. And I'm so glad you have your little ra of sunshine to keep you on track.

kay said...

i've had that dream. it's nice that we can escape our problems with dreams but then they slap us in the face when we wake up. but your tiny ray of sunshine can sure help make it better!! :)

here's to a wonderful day!

Trish K said...

First of all, your ray of sunshine is so gorgeous!!

Sorry to hear about your current gloominess. I hope things work out and it passes soon.

Things are cold and snowy today in Massachusetts, I am sure they are colder where you are. Hang in there

Spring is just around the corner

Jenifer said...

I just blogged about the same thing, how I need to hold onto the thought that sand and sun are coming back. This plague of sickness and cold is making me crazy.

Happy Days said...

I am hoping those adult problems get resolved real soon. Until then, heres to hoping the spring will get here quick and even though we will not be sitting in the sun at age 18 again, it will still feel good to sit there!

Dancin Queen said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. And I really sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. Honestly, from being there, my heart aches for you.

Kathryn said...

Ugh. That was gorgeous. I can relate.
Great post!

oda41143 Missy said...

I need summer too. Sunshine makes us all feel better. Good luck with your adult problems. Those really suck.

Tracey said...

Man, he is so freakin cute!

I love/hate those dreams of "simpler" times. Which is funny, cuz they didn't seem so simple back then.... perspective is a beeeyatch.

Queen of My Domain said...

I agree that grown up problems are much worse than 18 year old problems. But the joy you get at 38 is appreciated much more than it was at 18. Hope you problems are resolved soon.

The Rambling Housewife said...

What a ray of sunshine he is! And I'm so thrilled to see that he too is still sucking on the bottle! :)

I think that is an American thing, "All kids must be off the bottle by 1, or they will be permanently damaged"

My pediatrician gives me hell!

krissy said...

Oh sweetie....

I don't want you to have adult problems! That's not fair!

Your little dude is just adorable! I love it!

I'll send you some prayers for happier times! Take one day, moment or breath at a time hon...it will get better!

p.S. How hot was your dream man??? Please tell!

Melanie said...

I ofen think about days from my past- carefree teenage days that I didn't realize were carefree at the time. But, even with the stress of life now- I have a little ran of sunshine I wouldn't give up for anything!

Amy said...

My 4 year old daughter complains that she is young, she wants to be a mommy, she wants to make the rules. I try to convince her to grow up slowly, childhood is carefree.

LunaNik said...

Yes...a tiny ray of sunshine that is bright and cheerful, warm and welcoming.

There truly is nothing better.

Jen said...

I am so glad I stopped by your blog today, I've found 2 posts that really touched a note with me and my life. Great post today.

Blessings,
Jen

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