For the betterment of supermarkets/ retail establishments the world over

Dear every supermarket/retail manager in the greater Toronto area,

Hello from Don Mills!

I’m one of your customers, or potential customers anyway, and I want you to know that I think you’re doing a great job. It’s not easy working retail, I know. I used to be waitress, which kinda sucked too, but at least I got tips. And free food.

Anyhoo, I’m writing today with a simple, heartfelt request that, if granted, would really make a world a better place for me and, I wager, other moms too.

I’d like you to lose the balloons.

You heard me: the balloons.

I know you think they’re a nifty way spruce up your displays, add some colour to the store - maybe draw people’s eyes to the items you’re looking to move.

But balloons make my life a living hell.

I have a toddler, you see. And don’t get me wrong, he’s a super little guy – a real live wire as they say (ha, ha), but he’s got a bit of a fixation with balloons.

Okay he’s obsessed. So obsessed I’m not even sure it’s normal. When we go into your store and he sees a balloon he gets all crazy, see. He starts out chanting under his breath, Ba-oon, ba-oon, and craning his neck to get a better look at them.

Then the chanting gets louder and I start to get nervous and I try and just grab what I need and get the heck out, but before I know it, the chanting has become screaming. So I head to the checkout, but by the time I get there he’s freaking out and crying and throwing himself in the general direction of the balloons.

And I try to hold him back and calm him down, but the guy ahead of me is paying in pennies or doubloons or something and my son has determined that he will self-destruct if he does not get a balloon. I get really flustered ‘cause everyone’s giving me that I-can’t-believe-you-are letting-your-child-act-like-that!-look. (Except for that one lady who always says Are you okay? so nicely it almost makes me feel worse because it’s so obvious that I am LOSING IT!)

So you can see my dilemma.

Now, sometimes one of the people working in your store takes pity on me and cuts down a balloon and gives it to my son. And that’s great, don’t get me wrong, but I worry it might make him think that driving mommy BAT-SHIT-CRAZY is the best way to get what you want. (Even if it is).

So anyway, if you could just refrain from displaying balloons in any way, shape or form anywhere in the vicinity of your supermarket/ retail outlet that would be great.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, and if you could maybe move the bins of apples, oranges and other roundish-type fruits and things to somewhere in the very back of the store, that would be great too.

Sincerely,

Don Mills Diva