Monday, September 1, 2008

Beware: I will steal your sons

**How do you solve a problem like Maria? You don't, you just don't. This woman has a raw talent for the written word that leaves me as breathless as her tee-shirts and I'm honoured to call myself a fan and a friend. There's no solving Maria - the best thing to do is just to sit back and enjoy the incomparable Immoral Matriarch in all her brilliant, profane glory.***

Kelly says fack.

I say fuck.

I thought we should just get that out of the way now. If you think your eyeballs will dissolve in your skull from seeing expletives scattered about in a blog post you may want to click away until tomorrow's guest arrives. My fingertips have Tourette's. Ok. Moving on!

I'm Maria. I'm sure K gave me a fabulous introduction [she'd better have: *shakes fist*] but just in case she didn't, that's who I am. I blog at Immoral Matriarch. Not ImmorTal, immoral. I am very aware that I could drop dead at any moment, thank you. Cross your fingers that I don't because I had a dream last night that Joe Biden went on a crazy rampage and murdered me in front of the Obama family and thousands of supporters at a rally because I whispered 'Biden's hair looks like a fluffy cloud helmet' to my friend and he heard me with his super sonic ears. Wha'? Stop laughing. Stop. It's not funny. Stop! You're an ass dude, seriously. Sheesh.

Alright - the guest post:Kelly is a lucky woman. She has a son. She has adorable little Graham who is very ungrateful and makes sure he never leaves home without his penis. Me? I'm not lucky. I have two beautiful daughters. I wanted sons. I am not lucky.

My girls are the most awesome, cute, spectacular, original, perfect children ever. I would post a picture, but that would just make you so jealous that you'd stuff your own children down the quick drop box at Blockbuster and I wouldn't want squished kiddies amongst returned DVDs on my conscious. I am happy, but I am not lucky.

I was meant to have sons. Damnitt. When I was pregnant with The Bella, my oldest, I just knew she was a boy. There was not a doubt in my mind that I carried a son. Christian Pierce was to be his name. I was going to let his hair grow hippyishly long and dress him in black tees and tiny shelltoes. I didn't even go in the girls section on my baby shopping expeditions. There was no need. I had a tiny little penis in my belly, and I knew it.

I walked into my 18 week ultrasound ready to see him. Ready to see it. And I saw him. He was perfect, with little arms and legs moving, and he was sucking his thumb! It was amazing. The first time I'd felt connected to my baby. That I realized it was my baby.

But then, just as I realized this realization, the doctor had the nerve to tell me it was a girl.

"No." I said.

"I've been doing this for 20 years and I've never been wrong yet. That's a little girl." he replied.

"You're wrong. Look again." I snapped.

"There -" he said, pointing to a little fuzzy gray patch on the screen. "If there was something there, I'd see it. And I don't. So it's a girl."

I didn't answer. I was silent. I was fucking pissed. I fought back tears. The doctor left, awkwardly, and the nurse handed me paper towels to clean the ultrasound jelly off of my stomach with. I threw them to the ground in the most dramatic fashion and stormed out, tears flowing steadily. My husband shuffled along behind me, stopping at the checkout desk to confirm my next appointment.

I went to the car and yanked on the locked door handle. I yanked some more. I yanked and flailed and screamed and kicked the car, taking out all my aggression on that stupid fucking car and that stupid fucking lock and it's stupid fucking nerve to not open for me - it's master, it's owner, the person that could run it into a tree if it didn't cooperate. And I glared at my stupid fucking husband walking towards me as he took his sweet time pressing the unlock button on the keychain.

"Unlock the stupid fucking door!" I screamed.

And he did. "I'm sorry," he said as we sat down. He put his hand on my leg. "I guess I just make girls."

I ignored him and fought back the urge to say 'I guess so, you stupid fucking pansy man'. We got home, and I ran into the closet. I cried. He came in and hugged me, and let me cry on his shoulder. I can't tell you why it hurt me so badly, but it did. I did not want a girl. I would now go so far as to say that at that point, I did not want a baby at all if it wasn't a boy.

Of course that changed. I love my daughter. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her little 3D ultrasound face.

When it was time to find out what my second was, I didn't have my hopes up. In the year and a 1/2 of my firstborn's life I'd discovered that having a little girl wasn't so bad. It was actually pretty fun. So when they said it was a girl, I didn't have one little tingle of pain or sadness. It was fine. Who cared?

Of course that was also the point I made the decision to have a tubal ligation performed so there must have been some disappointment. It was evident that the man only shot girls. No more girls. Jesus no more girls.

I still want a son. I'll never have one. So I wasn't lucky. I still see little boys in the mall and at the park and wish I'd had one. A mama's boy. A little man that I could teach to have insane ideals and paint for him the picture of a perfect woman that he could never attain and thus he would never leave me fully, and his wife would hate that she could never be what he subconsciously wanted in a wife: me.

But I was given what I've got and I couldn't ask for anything better. I get the urge to kidnap random little boys, or maybe just trade out one of my own kids and see if the other parent notices. I frequently see a woman in Target with 4 beautiful, well behaved, boys and wonder if I could just slip one of them in my big red cart without her noticing and run my ass out the door before I could be stopped.

But I don't. I fight these criminal urges. I love raising daughters, and I can't wait to see the women they become. It's been fun so far, and I'm hoping it stays that way. Of course during the teenage years I'm screwed if they're fuck ups. If either of them comes home with an "I'm pregnant, mom." I'll sooooooooo envy the mother of the no-good-too-young-couldn't-keep-it-in-his-pants-twatface that impregnated my daughter.

All that mom will have to hear is "I got somebody pregnant, mom." That'd be soooo much more preferable.

[I couldn't help but post the picture. If you're going to return your children now, at least do it via NetFlix. They have better customer service.]

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Shauna said...

Thanks for the laugh Maria. I can see why Kelly adores you. :)

Rachel said...

I love Kelly and I love Maria.
So there you have it.

Maria, I think I have an equal chance of both with one boy and one girl.

Loves ya.

Ellyn said...

Funny post.
Those are some beautiful little girls you have.

Woman in a Window said...

I think that small penis that you just KNEW was inside was in fact inside...that was just in the making of the baby...then it withdrew and in grew a girl. (, don't know you and you sound like you might punch. If that's so I'll just sign this

Awesome Mom said...

If you really want, you can have one of mine heck I might even give you both. They are pretty well behaved.. occasionally... on a good day.

Heather said...

Huh. 4 well-behaved boys? You don't see that every day. I noticed that you didn't say "I see a little boy screaming and hitting and pitching a fit at the store and I want to take him." Because that's what my boy was like as a toddler. We still have the occasional meltdowns.

So far, my girls have been easier. I'm sure that will change around puberty.

Don Mills Diva said...

Maybe one day you could inherit a son when Graham marries one of your daughters.

You should start saving for her dowry now.

April said...

You know I love you both, DMD and IM! What a treat to get a little of each of you in one post.
I always knew I'd have girls. I wouldn't have known what to do w/ boys.

Missives From Suburbia said...

I hear you, darlin'. I was destined to be the mother of all boys. I just know it in my heart. But, apparently, my husband's sperm feel otherwise, because all of those adorable boy clothes I saved from my son will be going to waste if the doctor is right and this second kid is a girl. I'll be okay with it and all, but I'd be lying if I said a teeny, tiny piece of me isn't hoping I'll be stuck with a pile of pink clothes and another penis in the house when that kid pops out later this year.

Kamis Khlopchyk said...

HA! I have two boys and always wanted a daughter, thanks for pointing out the benefits...Mom I got somebody pregnant is much preferable, you're right.

Your kids are cute but my boys? ADORABLE. And I am not bias. Nope.

Anonymous said...

M, I thought I was having a boy, too. I actually went through a mourning process when the nurse told me it was a girl. But having a girl? Far exceeds any expectations I had about having a boy. My theory is that everyone one goes in with a plan, like "I'm not going to have my girl playing with Barbies!" And then you have a boy, and he may play with Barbies, and it's all, Well, as long as they're happy..."

Kelly, great choice on guest poster--- And thanks for stopping by The Redheaded Lefty. You probably know I'm a regular here!

Anonymous said...

Ummmm, Dude?

Boys stink.

Wait, I don't think you got that: BOYS STINK. My house smells like some locker room out of a cheesy 80's horror flick (it's a rather odd combo of sweat, putrid socks, urine, vomit, and BOY).

BUT my boys all have long hippy hair and are available for random trades.

Laski said...

I sometimes have girl envy . . .

But then again, J looks awfully cute in a dress :)

Anonymous said...

You should have spoken up LONG ago... My son's plane lands in NC at 12:05am. You said you want a boy, you got one.

He likes McDonalds. *muah*

Shania said...

Well, I've got two (boys, that is). Since my oldest is your age almost, that would be awkward. But the five year old is available next week for a trial run.

Mr Lady said...

My husband cried at our first two ultrasounds. I cried at my third. I wanted boysboysboys. I got slapped with a girl.

And there is no way possible I could love her more. I totally get you.

Anonymous said...

i've actually tried to stuff my boys into the return chute at blockbuster. they got stuck. and i had to pull them back out and keep them.
trust me when i tell you...boys suck. they're cute. they love their mommies. but...they are so flipping difficult. so, i'll tell you what. because i adore you...i'll send you my perverted 4.5 y/o son, my depressed first born son and my whack job step son on the first plane to your state. nothing in return! really!! just the kindness of my heart. i know, i don't have to thank me. like i said...i adore you!!

sybil law said...

I knew mine was a girl and that's what I wanted.
You could always adopt!

Cat said...

Not to glote, glout, gloat, whatever ... but I have a boy. And he LOVES LOVES his mommy. And his penis. Especially when we meet new people. That's fun. All eyes should be up here, and no - they're all down there watching him (ahem) adjust himself.

I hope my son is gay. Honestly. There is no woman in this world that'll make him happy. Or that deserves him. At least with a gay son and a son-in-law I have a good chance at dressing well and having a nicely decorated home!

Korie said...

I totally want all boys and I'm willing to try 3 times. Of course that probably means I'll end up with three girls and that thought scares the bejeezus out of me.

Rachael said...

Great post Maria! I have a 2 year old boy and was so disappointed when I found out it was not a girl - I've ALWAYS wanted a daughter. I love my son to death, but I kinda want to put a skirt on him and pretend sometimes. We want to try for one more, but if I get a boy, that's that - I won't keep trying!

Zip n Tizzy said...

Great post Maria.
I was so surprised that my second wasn't a girl. The technician looked annoyed and said "You don't get to choose these things!"
Duh! I was just surprised.
That being said, I love both my little boys, but I betcha I get wrinkles sooner... Ha, but when yours turn 13 your hair will turn white!
We all have our trade offs.

Glowstars said...

DMD - you've given me a new blogger to read. Excellent!
IM - I'll swap you mine - but only if girls are less trouble!

Anonymous said...

Maria you crack me up again. When we were pregnant with my third and after two daughters, I had resigned myself to being one of those men who were being punished by the fertility gods given my actions as a young man to have yet another little girl.

I was in complete and utter shock at the 22nd week checkup when I was presented with the "rod-of-manhood" in full ultrasound glory! I have my "mini-me" and I love him 2 buckets! said...

You brave girl, to admit that. I understand the desire for a certain gender. Most people won't admit to it. But dang, those girls are cute!

Karlena said...

Glad to know I wasn't the only one who cried when she found out it was a girl. I was so upset -- no, we were BOTH upset -- that the rest of the $200 3-D ultrasound session was in silence. The technician told us "Why are you so quiet? It's not my fault it's a girl!"

But then I got home, watched the DVD of our session, and cried because my little girl was absolutely perfect.

Captain Steve said...

4 well behaved boys? Were they on leashes?

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

I share this same story, but opposite. I wanted a girl. I had picked out her name when I was 6. I went in at 14 weeks for an ultrasound, because I was high risk. They cautioned me to not get excited about learning the gender, because it was too early for that. I was preoccupied, thinking about the potential birth defects that I didn't prepare myself for the next phrase out of the tech's mouth: "The good news it is a healthy BOY!" What do you mean BOY? I forgot all about the healthy part and started crying, mad that I wasn't having a girl.

And, now I have two boys, and they are adorable and I love em and can't imagine life any different. But seriously... the initial let down will always be etched in my mind!

Glad I am not alone in my experience.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA this is sooooo funny. Anyhoo I CRIED like a banshee when we were told it was a girl. I was totally horrified. Now I love her to bits and pieces!

Anonymous said...

I told Maria she can always borrow one of my boys to try one on.. :) hahah

Love that you hosted Maria over two rock!!

Melissa said...

ha ah thanks.

Kori said...

AS the mother of sons (save one), I will tell you that it will be worse if one of them comes home ans says he knocked someone up-becuase at least if it my daughter, I can have contact with and love on my grandkid, even if it didn't happen the way I wanted it to. But a son? No guarantee. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

I want a girl, but it seems like EVERYBODY I know has the audacity to tell me "no way, you NEED boys!". wtf? So I have been telling myself that if I have boys that it will be ok.

But if I do, can we trade?? Your girls are so adorable I still want to eat them up. For reals.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee. I wanted a boy first, but I ended up with two girls and I wouldn't change them world. Sometimes I do wonder what our little boy would be like though. And I love buying stuff for my mates little boys. Sighhhh.

And Kelly, I was planning on lining Graham up for Miss M. Tsk.

Karen MEG said...

Ha, Maria this was awesome LOL! Your beauties (and I mean your daughters) are so adorable, of course you had to post that pic!

Well, with one of each, I've got the best/worst of both worlds ;)

~*Jobthingy*~ said...

lol youre a hoot. and your girls are adorable.

if i see any boy babies on ebay ill let you know

Anonymous said...

Funny and beautiful all at once!

VDog said...

Awww, poor Maria. Stuck with *girls* heh.

Like I said, we can share! It takes a village!! Right????

Zoeyjane said...

I'm practically rolling on the bed, laughing at all the cursing. Phew. Kelly's rating just went WAY up. Oh, and everyone BUT me was convinced Isobel was a boy. I knew she was a girl but totally went with the crowd, calling her Hayden for months.

Tiffany said...

See I'm the opposite. I want a little girl now. But I also wanted a son. Oh well at least I have my little man. And what the fuck is up with saying fuck so fucking much? LOL