Sunday, January 11, 2009

What cost Rain Forest Cafe?

I'm pretty sure I know how it's gonna go down.

There is a knock at the door and I open it to find an impossibly stylish young woman peering at me with a pitying expression.

And I try to play it cool.

"Hey bitch, whassup?!"

Her face goes from pitying to whithering: I've gone too far.

"I mean, hello," I gulp. "What brings you here today?"

"I think you know Kelly, I think you know."

And I do know, of course, but I pretend I don't and try to change the subject.

"That's an awesome shirt you're wearing, I used to have one just like it."

"I know you did," she says. "But that was a very long time ago, wasn't it?"

Her expression makes it clear that she's tired of making small talk.

"You can't prove anything," I hiss.

"Oh I think I can Kelly, I think I can."

She steps forward and I can't help but marvel at the confidence inherent in her swagger, to say nothing of her kick-ass stilettos.

"Nice boots, aren't they Kelly? A little nicer than the last ones you got, no?" She pauses and sneers. "Did you wear your new boots to your favorite new restaurant?"

Damn, she reads my blog!

"That's just mean!" I protest. "You know I only go to that restaurant the odd afternoon because Graham loves the play area! You can't possibly be here because of that."

Is that a flicker of sympathy I see in her eyes?

"It's not just that. Look, I could probably overlook that. I'm here because of what happened last Saturday night."

Last Saturday night?! Oh God. My stomach falls.

"Come on Kelly, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You spent Saturday night at the Rain Forest Cafe, didn't you?! The place you swore you'd never go. The place where they have animatronic gorillas and paper mache crocodiles!"

"But, but, they were actually kinda neat and--"

"NEAT!? I can't believe what I'm hearing. Remember when you saw those animals in the wild? Remember when you camped in Africa under a full moon and listened to the lions roar and swore that your life would always be full of excitement?! Have you forgotten that? That you swore you would always be coo?!"

"But Graham loved it, he really loved it," I protest. "Just look..."



She sighs heavily.

"That doesn't matter to me and you know it Kelly. Now hand it over."

"But I don't want to..." I hate the whine in my voice, but feel powerless to control it.

She just glares at me and slowly shakes her head.

"Never mind, I don't think there's any of it left for me to actually take anyway."

And she turns her back on me. And away she stalks, my impossibly stylish younger self, leaving me once again marvelling at her confident swagger and mourning the very last semblance of my cool which travels with her.


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38 comments:

Karen MEG said...

Kelly, you're too cute not to be cool :). I think you are indeed a BRAVE woman to attempt Rainforest Cafe. Very brave indeed!

sky girl said...

Oh, I don't know Kel. I think the coolest woman is a Mom who strives to make her kid happy. And pulls off a cool hat to boot. :)

Alexandria said...

:P You are way cool. Im so jealous. I want to go to the Rainforest Cafe!!

Backpacking Dad said...

what-EVER.

I spent my morning teaching my daughter how to sing the "Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog" song from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse instead of recovering from a Saturday night blowout like I would have been doing if I had any cool left.

I've discovered that I don't mind family restaurants or children's television or music that's way repetitive (without heavy bass).

She looks retarded wobbling on those heels anyway.

OHmommy said...

Oh, gosh Kel. This is my newest fav post of yours. HAhaha... so true.

And you are very cool. btw.

wherewiller said...

(making me think *I* need to get my kids to the Rainforest Cafe...)

Anyway, yes I know this person.

This person used to lecture people, particularly my family, for shopping at Walmart. Today I bought Pull Ups at Walmart because I had a coupon, making them considerably cheaper than from the supermarket.

Parenthood, for me - total loss of morals. Yay me.

Not Your Regular Mini Van Mom said...

I think this is one of my favourite posts of yours...hits close to home lol. I never thought I would find myself pretending to fight aliens with my kids...I really thought I would be walking on the moon...not walking in moon shoes in my basement with a towel wrapped around my head waving my arms around like a maniac to make my kids laugh. Just wait until your senior self looks back on your midlife self....

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You've officially traded your cool cred for Mom cred. I'd bet it was a good deal.

Wes said...

I think you need to redefine 'cool' girl.

From what I read here, you are cool.

Cool isn't some suave corporate chick. Some 'mover and shaker'.

Cool is being a great mum, and giving your kids a better life than the one you were given. ;)

Awesome blog!

Stomper Girl said...

You've still got cool. You're just being forced to live out a few uncool realities, but that's motherhood. Hey.

Michelle said...

Well, having never been cool I don't think I can miss it. But I also have a younger self that keeps me in check. The thing is, my daughter can kick that younger self's ass into next week. I say, sick Graham on her. I'll bet her stilettos wouldn't last 2 minutes ;)

Trannyhead said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

There's such a long list of stuff I swore I'd never EVER do as a mom but have already done. And my son is only 17 months old. *hangs head in shame*

Melisa with one S said...

I think you're cool. Seriously, Rainforest Cafe is WAAAAY better than Chuck E. Cheese, after all...

Vic said...

I love that place as in it's great for the boy - I guess I love it because he loves it. Wouldn't go there without him though. It's definitely cool that you took Graham.

Sass E-mum said...

I sympathise. We go to a hideous, yet much loved 'Snappies' play park.

In terms of eating out, it's one step back, three steps forward. I look on family friendly restaurants as training grounds for Peaches' eventual entry tasty and classy dining.

I might have put cool on hold, but I WILL reenter the fray one day.

SabrinaT said...

ha,ha! We all have our moments. That was to funny!

Badness Jones said...

I still think you're cool. NExt time just wear dark glasses and go incognito!

Karen said...

Well, it's what all the cool moms do if that helps any. And that last picture? Priceless.

kgirl said...

I do love your filing system, but no, it's not even a little bit cool.

But that's ok. Because seeing your kid happy? That's always cool.

Parent Club said...

I'm smiling now. Great post. Great picture!

Heather said...

The miniscule amount of cool that I had before I had kids vanished long ago. I think you did great to hang on to it as long as you did.

Chantal said...

LOL the things we do for our kids.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Maybe you have a whole NEW kind of cool?


Love your hat!

Jaina said...

I love Rainforest Cafe, and have since I was in junior high. You're totally cool for going ;)

kbreints said...

oh yeah... I know what you mean.. my 'cool' left me when my 2 year old told me that we have a 'cool' car.

caramama said...

The things we do and give up for our kid(s)!

I think you are just on a little detour called Parenting a Young Child. You'll get back to the cool you were, if that's what you want. Or go with this new cool mom thing.

Elaine A. said...

Hey at least you were at the Rain Forest Cafe and not Chuck E. Cheese.

There's always a silver lining!

Thanks for the laugh! ; )

Mac and Cheese said...

It's much easier when you don't fight it.

Shannon said...

You exude coolness :-)

We've all done it. I drove all the way to Toronto and couldn't leave the city without going there. I mean, it's in possibly the best mall (well, in comparison to Ottawa they have at least a dozen stores we don't even have here) in the entire GTA, so that alone is kinda cool.

I found some of the animals kinda scary actually, but Graham looks cool as a cucumber :-)

Indy said...

I feel this way when I drive my van. So uncool.

wheelsonthebus said...

if it helps, i was never cool

Oz said...

I have to admit I'm jealous. There used to be a Rainforest Cafe in the mall here, but it shut down years ago, before I could take Axel.

I think it's so uncool that it's cool. Really.

April said...

This is really what they mean when they say motherhood changes you!

Ellyn said...

I don't care if it isn't cool. I have always wished we had one of those around here.

Great hat, btw.

Clare said...

i love your blog, and this is such a funny post. don't we all still strive for our inner coolness:)

bejewell said...

I'd say you're still looking pretty cool. Love the hat.

P.S. My self from days past is less stylish and a LOT more bitchy than yours.

Woman in a Window said...

HA!
This
was
a lot of
fun!

Lisa b said...

yeah. I know. They love it.