Tuesday, May 27, 2008

To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?

Like many people, I often wonder, What is it that people are looking for?

And like many bloggers I often check the Google search terms that lead people to land on my humble little piece of the internets.

Three words people: freaking comedy gold.

In the interest of trying to give those desperate searchers the answers they seek, and perhaps entertaining you in the process, I present, in no particular order, my favorite search terms over the last month and the responses I hope will enlighten those who follow.

1. Mama jelly tummy
Nope. I don’t care what you may have read. There is no mama jelly tummy to be found on Don Mills Diva or in her vicinity. You can’t prove anything. Move along folks, move along.

2. I’m lusting after my mother-in-law
Or having an affair with her. Or in love with her. Ever since this post eight months ago, a steady stream of mother-in-law lovers land on DMD. Methinks maybe all those comedians doing a brisk business in mother-in-law jokes are protesting too much…

3. Slutty shoes
And hooker shoes. And blue leapard (sp) print hooker shoes. I wrote this post late last year and still the shoe fetishists continue to visit in droves. I shudder to think how many marriages would collapse if everyone's mother-in-law started wearing stilettos.

4. I am doing my best to be a diva
Are you a mother-in law? If so, take off the shoes, back away from the computer and stop encouraging your daughter’s damn husband.

5. Nylons for prom?
No. Just no. Not convinced? Check out this photo. You’re welcome sweetie.

6. Bare soul vs bear soul
I’m pretty sure, if it came down to it, the bear soul would win.

7. Do girls like black shy boys with different accents?
Aww…bless your soul. You sound very sweet and I’m sure there are a lot of girls out there who like exactly that.

8. Don Mills bitches
Not these girls though. Stay away – you’re way too good for them.

9. Man never shy, if shy then he's not man
Did Don Mills bitches tell you that? Seriously, ignore them – they’re just totally jealous of me.

10. Smell in Don Mills
Oh jeez. Don’t look at me. I swear to God, it was the dog.

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53 comments:

Tranny Head said...

The mother-in-law luster should be referred to Springer.

And as for the bare vs. bear soul? That's badass right there. I picture a small naked man versus a bear. And I agree, the bear soul is probably going to win.

I wonder if these people found what they were looking for.

I just did a post like this - I'm known for "Chuck E Cheese law" among other things.

Laura said...

OK - too frigging funny...how can I do this search???? Please tell!

sky girl said...

I keep meaning to install a sitemeter on my blog if only for this very reason. :)

Cee said...

oh man, those are hilarious! All my readers are looking for things that are "boob" related. They are all probably looking for porn and dissapointingly come across my boring site. :)

Stomper Girl said...

Very funny. I wish mine were as good as yours, but predominantly my searches are for "Stomper Girl". Could my friends just bookmark me, do you think?!?!

Karen MEG said...

Oh too funny! Smell in Don Mills ... snort!

Brittany said...

haaa haaa haaa... SO funny!!! SOO SOO funny!

Rachel said...

Hy-freakin'-sterical.
I must be really boring because I don't get any good word searches like these... although after the Vagina that nearly wrecked the car post.. it might get interesting.
Thanks for the late night laughs!

Kathryn said...

That is hilarious!!!

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Are you sure it was the dog? **snort!** Maybe it is the stench of the hooker shoes!

L.O.L!

Vered said...

OMG, those were so funny.

People are so funny. And weird.

Dawn said...

That is so funny! I somehow missed reading that MIL post the first time...it was so sweet- I loved it.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I think #9 was Confucius.

Corey~living and loving said...

tee hee....thanks for the really great giggle. :)
have a great week.

Kitty said...

I regularly look at the keyword analysis of my stats package. I seem to get a lot of people interested in nipples. They must be sooo disappointed when they land at my blog, where there isn't a single nipple in sight. I also get people enquiring about snogging. This means that a good deal of my readership are made of seriously disappointed people - which isn't really what I set out to achieve.

*sigh*

x

Melisa said...

That is sooo funny! I love to look at my data as far as that goes, too. In the post I'm currently writing, I almost used the phrase "We screwed the pooch on that", as in (for those of you who have never heard it) "We missed our chance on that", but decided against using it because I can only imagine the searches that will bring people to me...

Of course, now they'll be directed here! You're welcome! LOL (ooops)

womaninawindow said...

REALLY? Like, for real? People tailor the blogs based on what searches are popular. Man, I am such a blogging virgin. (Your welcome...do comments draw them in too? Virgin, virgin, virgin!

Heather said...

Those are too funny. I get mostly searches about zebras. Not so entertaining.

Karen said...

You get all sorts of freaks, don't you? The whole mother-in-law obsession seriously scares me.

Whitenoise said...

I get people searching for erotica. This is where they land.

GoMommy said...

Wow- these phrases could all have been overheard at my family reunion this past weekend- aside from the "Don Mills" of course! Too funny!

Kimmylyn said...

Number six made me giggle outloud.. and the nylons reference was hysterical.. Love Google analytics!!

kgirl said...

omg, i love the google smackdowns.

Redneck Mommy said...

All I get is people asking about boobs and duct tape.

Your seaches are far more entertaining.

Kyla said...

Very funny!

Barrie said...

How enlightening. Or something...

Very funny!

Mimi said...

Bwhahahaahaha ! Love your comments.

Heather said...

Now just try to incorporate those more in your posts, and your google ranking will sky rocket. I check my key words, but since my blog is about living with three boys, the results are often scary and kind of depressing.

flutter said...

sorry about that smell, cabbage soup is very potent....

imbeingheldhostage said...

How DO you people find this information out? Holy cow I'm behind the power curve on blogging...
The nylon picture--LOVE it!

kittenpie said...

I do love these...

I have a little running draft of google hits and email subjects, but really, most of my google hits seem to involves spiders. I don't know why?

Jaina said...

Everyone talks about stats, I still haven't figured them out. Those are some pretty interesting keyword searches you've got there.

Cheri said...

I'm cracking up and saying "eeeewwww" by turns over here.

I gotta check my analytics and see what's up with that on my blog.

;-)

OHmommy said...

LOL. I haven't done one of those searches on my blog for a while. I could use a good laugh. Off to check mine out.

;)

Kellan said...

These are so funny and a little weird, huh?!

Hope you are having a good week - see you soon - Kellan

ALF said...

Slutty shoes. I love it.

Maureen said...

Ah Ha!!! You just have to wonder about the people who are actually typing in those words to search....

Amy said...

You are absolutely hillarious!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Too perfect! I love the shy boy, he sounds sweet.

MommyTime said...

Approximately half the people who land on my blog are looking for "how to have thighs like a model," or whether thighs should touch, or how to have "better thighs." Of the other half, most want crazy martini recipes. But the last 25%? Priceless pots of gold just waiting to be put into posts... which reminds me that it's about time to do another one of these. Thanks for the great laughs!

Alpha DogMa said...

Do girls like black shy boys with different accents? I want to hear the story behind that search! And your response is very tender.

Google analytics is the gift that keeps on giving.

I'm doing a recap of my google hits for my post today. I've been planning it for a week. Promise. I'm not a copy cat. Just a sad lonely person lacking in original thought.

Laski said...

People out there scare me . . .

Queen of My Domain said...

Site meter referrals are just pure gold...kind of like that dog!

Holly said...

oh my heavens... that was hilarious!!!! thx for the laugh and a half.

HRH said...

That is serious funny. Really, the mother in law searches are quite disturbing.

Momma Mary said...

Have you ever tried searching for something crazy just to see what would come up? I have thought about it.

You were NOT weeded from my reader! :)

I think I'm going to start doing those random searches, and then clicking on the blogs that I know! For fun!

Reluctant Housewife said...

Comedy gold? Yes.

The Boyds Family said...

How funny!

Curious how you know when someone does a google search and comes across your blog??

The Walsh's said...

I absolutely LOVE looking at how people came to my blog. None are quite as humorous as these, but entertaining nonetheless.

Is there a smell in Don Mills?

Marmarbug said...

Oh i found this blog looking for slutty shoes. Crap. I need some!
And i too wnat to know how you all find out this info!

Mac and Cheese said...

Hilarious! Most of my hits involve cheese or oddly enough, banana clips.

Susiewearsthepants said...

How do you do the search? I have never heard of this. A sign I think, that old age will soon be advancing upon me.

caramama said...

I love hearing about the Google searches! Your results are awesome! Thanks for sharing and being so funny about it. ;-)