Friday, July 11, 2008

Not that you asked

I don’t care if everyone under the sun disagrees with my favorite advice on how to stay married: I shall continue to believe that one should always go to bed mad.

I feel compelled to say this because I was at a wedding last weekend where once again I heard someone dust off that old chestnut about not letting the sun go down on your anger.

To which I say: anything that helps extinguish my anger, including darkness, is a good thing!

The worst arguments I have had with Rob have been late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. Hurtful words are like dark, foolish thieves that appear under cover of night bent on stealing reason and rationality. They are born of frustration and fatigue and – in my case – a desire to shut the fight down so I can get some sleep.

And we all know that the words that shut a fight down are the words we inevitably regret the next day.

I believe my happy marriage has been preserved on more than one occasion by a conscious effort on my part to bite my lip, stop trying to thrash or shout my way to a resolution and JUST GO TO SLEEP!

And as much as I may toss and turn and mumble bitterly before I drift away, there’s something about the morning sunlight that usually makes thoughts of murdering my husband seem just a touch melodramatic.

There is a certain hour of the night in which it becomes impossible to be logical about anything and despite what anyone says, it’s better to hit the hay, than hit the husband.

My advice to newlyweds out there? Go to bed mad – it’s better than staying up all night fighting.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

65 comments:

Karen said...

I have to agree wholeheartedly. When sunlight hits somehow the large monstrous fights dissipate and you have to wonder why your perspective was so skewed.

Oh, that's right! I was tired!

Beth said...

This is so true. Sometimes things looks so much more insignificant when you've had time to actually think about them.

Well written, as always~

wheelsonthebus said...

Now THAT is useful advice.

katia said...

My hubs and I have 1 Golden Rule: no talk of money or about the house (we live in a fixer-upper) after 9pm.

Angella said...

I fully agree with you! We were given the opposite information when we were married, but quickly figured out that things seemed less dramatic the next day :)

Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Throw This Mom a Bone said...

Ditto!!

ALF said...

I agree. It's easier to sleep it off and start fresh in the morning.

Leanne said...

Oh. I like that 9 pm rule. Yep, any fight's venom will disipate given some time and distance.

I think I've been married so long because three hours after I fight with my hubby I usually can't remember what I was fighting with him about. Senility at forty is good....sometimes.

kbreints said...

Agreed. Most of the time it is forgotten in the morning anyway and life continues on!

Someone Being Me said...

I totally agree. If you stay up fighting you will both be exhausted and say things you can't take back. Its better to get a good night's rest. Everything usually looks better in the morning.

Assertagirl said...

I agree with you 100% on that point. It's much easier to kiss and make up in the morning, when the day is fresh ahead of you.

Jaina said...

Definitely things to keep in mind. Everything always looks better in the morning.

Eve Grey said...

I agree. If you make up just for the sake of getting it over before sleeping it's fake anyway. Plus going to bed mad can make for some good sex.

Nowheymama said...

I totally agree. That is the worst time to discuss anything important.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I am sending this one to the hubby. He won't even let me go to bed if I am grumpy about anything--seriously; most wives fake, you know, and I fake happiness some night so I can get sleep ;)

caramama said...

Oh, I agree 100% also! We still tell each other we love each other when we say goodnight no matter what, cause even if we are mad at each other, we know we still love each other. But we often say that we'll just drop it and fight--I mean talk about it further in the morning.

It's always better in the morning, even if we are still fighting.

The Rambling Housewife said...

Makes sense to me! :)

Chantal said...

I totally agree as well. I remember when my hubby and I would fight and I would try to resolve it and it just didn't work. I would go to be feeling like I had failed the worst test. I had failed to resolve a fight, we had gone to be mad (even madder after my frantic attempts to resolve it). And then I realized that this whole "don't go to be mad" thing was a sham. Hopefully you will save some people the trouble.

flutter said...

I say be mad whenever the hell you want

Trudie said...

I wonder how many millions of us have done just what Chantal wrote about - tried and tried... and felt like total failures when it didn't work. Since I started heeding my body's need for shut-eye even if we are fighting I do think that our fights have become less traumatic (for me) even if it drives Hubby to distraction when I just toodle off to bed.

Kathryn said...

HAHA!!! I tell all the newlyweds I know that the whole "never go to bed angry" thing is crap. If I never went to bed angry I wouldn't get any freaking sleep! Plus, I am the type of person that needs a cooling off period before I discuss something I'm upset about. I never want to say something I will regret, and to me sleeping off my anger is VERY WISE.
Great post!

Helen E.M. Wright said...

Yeah, I roll my eyes at that one every time I hear it!!
MOST of our fights are just before bed and then we sleep it off.

Ali said...

we go to bed mad all the time...and have been married for ten years. i guess it works for us too!

Melissa said...

So glad you said it!

Yes, we go to bed mad and we've been married for nearly 17 years. I think the reason this works is because (are you ready?) MOST FIGHTS ARE STUPID! They are power struggles and by the time I wake up the next morning, I realize how trivial they are. But I can't do that in the middle of a fight. I need rest and a calming period before I can see a fight for what it is.

Thanks for posting!

kgirl said...

I totally agree. I am a 'leave me the hell alone and let me simmer until it burns out' kind of mad person, whereas Chris likes to talk things out until I feel like vomiting. When he's smart he just lets me go to bed.

Anonymous said...

While I absolutely agree with you, fortunately I've never had to resort to your recommended measures. We've been "married" (living in sin?) for 12 years and there's never been a harsh word nor even a harsh thought. We knew each other for a very long time before getting together. We both endured our own personal hellish relationships. Going into this relationship, I flat out said, "I don't want any crap; no head games. I've had it." I think we were both listening and it has kept us both honest, true, strong, and loving.

Shannon said...

I hear that all the time at weddings too, what's up with people giving that advice? We have certainly had our share of nights going to bed mad, but we seem to be still married. Perhaps you should be speaking at weddings and letting the cat out of the bag ;-)?

Marmarbug said...

I AGREE! Sometimes I am just too tired to fight anymore. It just is not worth it!!!

Awesome Mom said...

You are soo right!

When I was a teenager my sister and I had a paper route. We fought like cats and dogs the whole early morning. Once we got done and took a nap we were best buddies.

Queen of My Domain said...

That is some very sound advice. Sometimes it's just better to wait until your not so mad to do the talking.

mamatulip said...

I'm with you on this one. Sometimes - okay, many times - I need time apart in order to cool down.

Jill said...

I'm not a fan of fighting... though when it inevitably does happen, I too need more than a few minutes to calm down. I have a hot temper, so I really don't want to say something I don't mean in the heat of the moment.

Make-up sex isn't bad either the next day!

Danielle said...

Amen.

Great advice. So true!

Are You Serious! said...

♡ That's what works for us too. For me if I don't wait a little while then I'll totally say things I don't mean or I'll say it in a hurtful way because I havne't had time to think it through! :)

tricki_nicki said...

I never thought of it before, but that's so true. Who came up with that rule, anyway?

Chances are, whenever I wake up in the morning after a fight, I've forgotten about it. That's a good thing!

Stapeliad said...

I think most marriage advice is like parenting advice. There is no such thing as one assvice fits all.

Sleep is a great problem solver anyhow. Or, at the very least you'll get temporary relief.

And you can kick the husband as hard as you want and pretend it was an unconscious act.

Laura said...

Agreed.

Kami said...

That is great advice though I find that sometimes if we don't deal with whatever we are upset about right then and there, we tend to ignore it in the morning. Problem is that it always rears it's ugly head eventually.

:-)

Depends on the situation for us but everyone has to do what works!

RiverPoet said...

Yeah, so many of those old adages just don't hold water. I mean, it's a nice sentiment, but it isn't practical. Like you said, sometimes we reach a point of diminishing returns and it's better to shut up and get some rest.

How many times have we fought out of sheer fatigue and frustration??

Peace - D
(formerly Momma)

Jen said...

I don't have time to read the comment thread right now, so maybe I'm repeating others, but...

Not going to bed mad means being fighting tired, which is worse. And it means being tired & cranky, and mad about being tired & cranky the next morning. Sleep it off and revisit it on a fresh day.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

I am with you 100% on this. My train of thought is way more clear when I've slept, or am not sleepy.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You are brilliant and correct! Sometimes you just have to let it go for now.

themommykelly said...

Now that's a new take on things. Love it. Makes alot of sense.

Things do seem so much brighter after a good night's sleep.

Amy said...

I guess I never actually thought about this, but you are so right!

Eleven years ago, I would have had to make my point even if it took all night - not anymore.

There is something about the sun rising that seems to lighten the tension.

noble pig said...

Oh you are so, so right...as newlyweds it is promising to think the other way...but as we age with wisdom we know better.

Kyla said...

Amen to that. In the morning it all seems so much smaller and my BRAIN starts to work through it logically, in the night it is all gut reaction and anger.

I will say that I always try to at least grumble, "I love you." before going to bed angry.

Rach (Mommy Learns to Blog) said...

Although I prefer to be not fighting, it inevitably happens in a marriage, and I agree with your opinion wholeheartedly.

Anyone who can just put aside their valid feelings because it's time for bed is fooling themselves - putting the fight to bed almost always results in a better communication, a better resolution, and a happy marriage.

Well said.

Jobthingy said...

indeed

Neil said...

This has always been a major battle between me and my wife. I was always under the impression that you should never go to sleep angry at each other. Where did I hear this? I think it was the Cosby Show. So, whenever we had a fight, I wanted to stay up and fix things, and it totally drove her crazy until we ended up fighting more. You're right. Sometimes, it is better to just let time heal things.

b*babbler said...

Yes - YES! When Mr Babbler and I are angry with one another we inevitably end up going to bed angry. In the morning, the harshness is gone and were better able to discuss the real issue (or apologize and move on if the fight was borne of nothing.)

salleebythesea said...

I agree! I used to get MORE angry at my husband for going to bed and going to sleep while I was still angry. I could NOT believe he would not stand and "fight like a man"! But, it has taught me to have to wait, and waiting made me able to think and cool down. I am more able to see the logical side (if there is one) the next day. So YES, go to bed if that is what will stop the "madness" (pun intended).

Karen MEG said...

Sage advice, Diva...

angie said...

I'm SO with you on this one.

Stella said...

I agree, completely. There is a time to argue and there is a time to sleep. Sometimes sleep is what you need to gather your thoughts and avoid those words that do more damage than good!!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

AND? When you go to bed mad there is that glorious pre-dawn makeup sex. I think I'll pick a fight tonight.

chelle said...

My Dad worked out of town when married, and he would FIGHT with his wife, leave then come back a week later and pick up where they left off. There were times they had no idea why they were fighting, but had to continue because it never ended.

I deal with it right away, let it all out and be done. I hate festering stuff. Bottling up never works for me.

It is so individual though.

Oz said...

I agree. Being tired or hungry has caused - or exacerbated - half of our fights. I'm much better at having a rational discussion after a good night's sleep and an omelet.

Immoral Matriarch said...

You're totally right. But that's no fun. :P

InTheFastLane said...

I think people should do what works for them. For, me, I wont be able to sleep if we are in the middle of an argument. But, the Mr. will, so it is hard to no which way to go sometimes. I hate waking up and feeling as though there is unresolved negativity.

womaninawindow said...

I tend to agree. While my husband would love the opportunity to talk it out I revel in the turning the other cheek until morning light.

nomotherearth said...

Yeah, I'm with you. I never really understood that expression.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Usually SLEEP is what I need ANYWAYS! I'm alway more argumentative when I am tired.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Usually SLEEP is what I need ANYWAYS! I'm alway more argumentative when I am tired.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Completely and totally agree-- I thought I was alone on this one...

kittenpie said...

I can't fight until I've sorted out in my head what my issue really is anyhow, so it often has to wait. I know it makes Misterpie sweat a bit to have to wonder how bad it really is, but we've both learned it's better to wait until I can talk like a coherent person and then deal with it.