Wednesday, July 30, 2008

DMD: you complete me

I was certain I was destined to be a lifer.

I had an excellent job in an industry I love. I had been there nearly a dozen years and everything about it felt as comfortable as an old shoe. I was deeply appreciative and rightfully so. I told myself I would be a fool to go anywhere else. Ever.

What I didn't admit, even to myself, was that I was scared.

I can see now that the birth of my child coincided with the slow, steady death of my nerve.

I grew up presuming that fate would smile on me, but the trauma of Graham's birth showed me that fate laughs at presumptions. I had always assumed that my baby would be perfect and yet I was forced to consider that he was not.

Several stressful events occurred in the months immediately following his birth and almost overnight I became a worrier. I worried about everything. I felt insecurity creep over me at the strangest times, like a rogue dark cloud on a sunny day. I mourned my old self, but felt powerless to truly reclaim the loud, brassy girl, brimming with confidence, who always thought she would rule the world by the age of 40.

I know now that Don Mills Diva was a last-ditch effort to rescue that girl - a way to try and write myself back to the place where I wanted, needed, to be.

I wrote my way through a heap of pain this winter. I wrote brave, declarative statements when I felt the most shaky. I reached down inside myself, gathered together my shredded guts and sent them across the Internet, desperately hoping the the bravado contained therein would reflect back and somehow restore me.

And a funny thing happened: it worked.

The more I wrote the more confident I felt. The more confident I felt, the better I wrote. I found my voice, in every sense. I gained a lot of readers. I met - virtually and otherwise - a lot of people who expected that Don Mills Diva would be a woman of strength and confidence.

And I found, quite suddenly, that she was. Once again.

I travelled to San Francisco for the BlogHer conference and I met dozens (hundreds?) of you. I dressed up and acted sassy. I even bogarted the microphone at a packed seminar.

And then this week I started a new job: the kind of job I had started to resign myself to never getting.

Thanks to Don Mills Diva and to you, I now feel certain that I am indeed destined to be a lifer - here on the Internet anyway - where I will write my way into whatever my heart can imagine.

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58 comments:

Mr Lady said...

And I imagine I will read what you write for as long as you do.

painted maypole said...

congrats on the new job!

Threeundertwo said...

This is a great description of the power blogging has to transform us. My story isn't as dramatic, but the change in confidence I've felt is real, and this post really resonates with me.

Well said!

Nap Warden said...

Good for you girl! On DMD, and the job. I feel the same way about The Chronicles of SAHM. I just wrote a similar post. Well said...again:)

Brittany said...

congrats on the job, lady! :)

Great post!!

tommie said...

Yeah for you!

I was just thinking today that I really don't know how I didn't start a blog sooner. I did a "weekly update" email to friends and family anyway since we were so far away. That is how I got my name: Tuesday Update...I sent the email out on Tuesdays!

JCK said...

Congrats, Kelly! On all of it. It is lovely to see you shine.

Dawn said...

You're an inspiration Kelly!

Backpacking Dad said...

I've got a little bit of you right here, Kelly *points to chest*.

Army candy at Macy's, always.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

What a great story.

Trudie said...

Great post and a lot like how I feel - only expressed so much better than I ever could!

Kat said...

You are an absolute inspiration and even though I am sometimes in a hurry and do not comment nearly enough you blog is in my reader and read daily.
Funny thing is I never doubted you were a strong,self confident woman and you had me with your letter to McD's ;)

Nowheymama said...

Beautiful.

RiverPoet said...

What a terrific post!!! Funny how the written world can soothe our souls. You're a tough cookie, and I admire you.

Peace - D

Ellyn said...

Great post. I read your posts often but don't comment very much. I love your confidence. You are a truly gifts writer.

Irene said...

Wonderful post! I often wish my blog was not shared with my entire family, there are so many things I want to talk about that I can't. I still do love my blog, but I feel a sense of censorship. Oh well...

Melisa said...

Yay you! Amazing what writing can do, huh!

Vodka Mom said...

Your post reminded me that it's the crappy shit that happens to us, that really molds us into who we are. I am reminded of my new FAVORITE saying- "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."

You go rock that job....

Stephanie said...

Oh congratulations!! That is truly awesome news! Can't wait!

Mrs. Chicken said...

It was the same for me. Different circumstances, same feelings. I get this. And I'm glad to read you, really glad.

Rima said...

What a cool testament to the power of creating your own reality!

a kelly said...

You inspire me on so many levels...

Jenifer said...

Congrats and good luck with the new job!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

You have talent. Raw talent. I thoroughly enjoy reading you.

KEEP BELIEVING

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

So glad it's all working out for you! Keep up the good work!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Keep shining!

Chantal said...

That is awesome. You know I started writing for so many reasons, and my blog, and reading others, like yours have helped me too! It is such a wonderful community. I am glad to be part of it.

Oz said...

Congratulations on the new job!

Me said...

That is Awesome-- I could here the Band playing while I read that post.

InTheFastLane said...

Yeah for DMD! Finding our strength and finding our voices is so much a part of what this is about.

Aunt Becky said...

I feel precisely the same way.

citygirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
citygirl said...

I just recently started reading your blog and LOVE it. I started blogging this year thanks to a mutual blogger we are both linked to. My reason? Cheap therapy. I sit and blog about whatever I am dealing with and it helps!

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

HUGE congrats! I've never been a writer, but I fake it on my blog.

kittenpie said...

Hey! Congratulations!

And it's funny - I had the same 20 hours and emergency c, yet being a very different person, I hadn't started out with a vision of how it would go. Seems anything can happen to anybody!

Mamalooper said...

Congrats on the new job and to getting some of that confidence back.

Mimi said...

Awesome! I look forward to being along on the ride!

caramama said...

Yeah! That is so great!

What you said here reminds me of something I do. Whenever I feel really down or bad for whatever reason, I tend to dress the nicest. It's kind of a fake-it-till-you-make-it mentality.

I'm glad that you are feeling as confident as you write. I hope your new job is perfect!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

I am so happy for you DMD, it is so true that what we write, what we declare to be true becomes our truth. Good for you!

MommyTime said...

Congratulations on the new job! And good for you for writing your way through the difficulties. You are a strong and wonderful woman. I wish you all the happiness in the world in this, your next chapter.

Pregnantly Plump said...

Congrats on the new job! Hopefully it will be a great fit!

nomotherearth said...

You sure fooled me. I never thought you were anything by absolutely confident and comfortable with yourself.

Congrats on the job!

Ashley said...

How wonderful! Keep it up...

Damselfly said...

Good for you!

Helen E.M. Wright said...

Never would have thought it!!
Good post!

Lisa said...

Posts like that are what bring people back over and over again. You are woman - hear you roar!!!

Indy said...

I hope you will continue to tell us about your job. I love hearing stories like this. You are our hero. Enjoy!

Mandy said...

Isn't it funny how we often can't see what others feel is their true self or hidden self? I never would have guessed you for being a worrier. You seem supremely "together" to me. I am glad that writing has been so cathartic for you and that you are feeling more like your old self!

krissy said...

A new job?? Yipee! You are so magnificant and thanks so much for rambling off my name at blogher. You are truly a Diva!

Texan Mama said...

I count myself lucky to have found your blog! Keep writin' Diva.

BTW, I checked out the old posts about Graham's birth and it totally reminded me of an independet film I saw titled "The Business of Being Born" I think it was produced by Ricki Lake. You should check it out. I watched it online through Netflix but I don't know where you could find it elsewhere.

Kj said...

I read this last night. My gosh, this was great. You already know that you are talented writer but it doesn't hurt to hear it again. You have such a a great way with words. I like to come because I love your style of writing, I appreciate the things you choose to write about and I like to think that it keeps me that little bit sharper in the mind too. I'md thinking you gotta be a pretty rad person too.

This post belongs over on the left with "Best of Don Mills Diva". And would you let me know when your book comes out too?

and btw, please check out "brain, child" magazine. It's dubbed the magazine for thinking mothers. I think you might find a home for yourself there and one or two of you blog posts too. Google it or find it under brainchildmag.com --you can see many of their articles on line if its not available at your local bookstore.

flutter said...

You inspire me to be a better writer

Bryan said...

yah!! congrats and keep up the great work!

Maggie, Dammit said...

This, and you, are clearly awesome. I needed to read this, and I thank you for it. Congratulations on you.

Janet said...

There you go: proof of the radical-ity.

I'm glad you found your voice again and an awesome job, to boot. I enjoy looking back at the way my voice has evolved since I have been blogging, too. I know the act of writing here, and reading so many others, has improved my writing. I know it.

Karen MEG said...

Hey Kelly, I have witnessed this evolution, this confidence that has sprung from your writing, from the early days of your blog to ... well look at you now! And the rabid following that you have garnered with your eloquent posts that just hit home with every single word.

I am thrilled that you have this new job; look at the power your thoughts and words have given you... and so many others.

Keep on writing, girl...

April said...

Sometimes, I'm a little late in getting to your posts, but I also always want to read them w/ full concentration because you inspire me with every one. I'm glad to know you'll be here for a long time to come.

And CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Jaina said...

Congratulations! I'm glad it worked. :)