Your kid is not a punch line

You know, I wasn’t planning on blogging tonight. I was going to just take the day off, relax and kick back.

But then, while perusing my local paper on-line, I came across this article about something so bizarre that it became clear the universe was asking, nay begging, me to take to the internets and deliver a very special DMD slap-down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present: stilettos for babies.

This is not a joke. These shoes, made for infants up to six months of age, are being marketed as “Her First High Heels” by two mothers who have co-founded a company called Heelarious.

At first I was fixing to go on a proper rant about how dressing a baby up as a mini adult like this sexualizes them and robs them of their childhood, blah, blah, blah…

But then I read this quote from one of the company’s co-founders:

"I've always been a shoe freak and I thought, `Omigawd, what if you could take a baby to a party wearing high heels? It would be hilarious.’”

And I realized that these ladies are not courting sexual predators, they’re courting the cool kids.

And that’s almost as bad.

Because wannabe hipster parents who think it's trendy to dress their babies up in funny, ironic little accessories are just plain lame.

I am sorry if you were not popular in high school. But that does not give you the right to try and make up for it by exploiting your child’s natural cuteness. It does not give you the right to insist on giving them some ridiculous hair style or to dress them in clothing designed for the sole purpose of eliciting chuckles and showcasing what you imagine to be your edgy, streetwise style.

Bottom line: if you want to bust out and crack wise, YOU wear the punch line.

Thank you. That is all.

No spanking allowed

I know, I know.

I’m a curmudgeon and not at all forward-thinking.

But when I ran across this story in this morning’s paper detailing a new strategy to punish speeders I was cringing for hours.

It’s about a program that allows speeding drivers to avoid fines and tickets by instead subjecting themselves to jeers and lectures from local teenagers studying law at the high school down the street.

There’s even a photo of a woman – probably a mom caught rushing around doing a million and one things on her family’s behalf – surrounded by several self-righteous teens mid-lecture.

Oh yeah, I’d say she looks sufficiently humiliated – much like the one in the story who was reduced to tears after being caught doing 63 kilometers (40 miles) per hour in a 50 km (31 mile) zone.

Only one driver opted for a ticket, but was apparently jeered anyway as the teens were given free rein to do so to all the offending drivers the police pulled over.

You might castigate me for saying this (and have at me, I welcome dissent) but here’s my take: I’ve seen a lot in my 38 years. I work hard. I struggle every day to keep up with a myriad of responsibilities in this fast-paced world. I’m a good person. I’m generally law-abiding. Sometimes I speed.

And if I’m caught speeding I’ll take responsibility for it.

But do not humiliate me. And spare me any sermons from 16-year-olds who have earned neither a driver’s license nor the right to lecture me about anything.

Bottom line: I’ll take a hefty fine over a hectoring teen any day.

How about you?