Thursday, June 4, 2009

Abandoned

I am so mad at her right now.

I feel I have been abandoned in the country of lost male souls.

A country where every day my son asks plaintively where his Oma has gone. A country where my husband uses forced cheer and industry to try and cope as weeks of unemployment slip into months. A country where my father in law, who often dines with us, slips into red-eyed reverie while I try and make small talk and force him to take seconds.

I don't know how to be anything but angry. For weeks now each day on my commute home from work I have spoken aloud: asking her, begging her, to please help me look after the boys she has left behind. I have implored her for some kind of sign that she is looking out for us, for some kind of peace that will allow us to accept and move forward.

But she hasn't responded.

And so I have taken to wondering (and bitterly so, to my shame) if she couldn't have just fought a little harder to stay here on earth with us. I have taken to wondering why she doesn't visit us in our dreams and infuse us with a mythical sense of serenity or when she will orchestrate for us a stroke of luck so joyful and unexpected that we can't deny her hand in our fate.

But she hasn't responded.

I know my anger is illogical. Several weeks after her death Rob and his brother met with her doctor who revealed that her cancer was far rarer, swifter and more cruel than anyone first imagined: we know now that she never stood a chance.

But I still feel angry; if only because the anger is easier to bear than the fear that, without her, neither do we.

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28 comments:

ewe are here said...

It took me a long time to realize that 'anger' was a part of the grief process when I lost my dad 5 years ago.

I'm so sorry for your loss ... the pain never seems to fully go away.

Kat said...

Yep. Ewe is right. Anger is part of the process.
It sounds especially hard because you are trying to step into this amazing woman's shoes and fill the void that she left. A tall order for anyone, especially someone who is grieving.
Let yourself be angry. And let yourself grieve. It takes time.
Prayers...

Mary Lynn said...

Aw Kelly, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Wish I could say something that would help...

sky girl said...

This post gave me shivers. Don't feel shame at what you're feeling. I think she would understand.

xo

InTheFastLane said...

Agreed..Anger is part of the process. And so is guilt. And it is ok to feel these things. What a hard job you have had, to take care of all these boys while trying to take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. My grandmother was taken quickly (cancer sucks) and left my mom suddenly the martiarch. She felt inadequate to that unwanted task. She wanted her MIL back. It's hard - hang in there. Maybe this is how she needs you to learn what to do.

JennyJ said...

Oh my, you are striking a chord...I lost my adored mom-in-law 5 yrs ago: cancer, 2 months after diagnosis. She faded away quickly from us but her legacy lives. The anger might be part of the "process" but it doesn't seem to go away. There are too many moments to count when I've wanted her near or to hear her voice or wonder what she would say about my sons doing this or that. I want to kick the heavens for taking her but I might as well scream into the wind. That anger has nowhere to go. Feeling sad for you and I hear you. Tears now, gottago

Chantal said...

I don't know what to say other than take care of yourself too.

Flea said...

I'm so sorry. Keep talking out loud in the car.

My hunny and I are reading The Orphaned Adult right now. I lost my dad four years ago and his are dead to him, having cut each other off. I highly recommend it. When you're up to that kind of read.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Life is so hard sometimes. ((Hugs)).

Michelle said...

((HUG))
Perhaps a playdate to lighten the mood?

Melissa said...

If it's any consolation, Kelly, I'll bet she would love to be there with you as much as you would like her to be.

Even though you don't feel her it doesn't mean she isn't there...I have watched you share your feelings here since her passing and I believe she is no further than inside your heart.

She knew that she left her boys in good hands and that's why she was able to go when she did.

You will find her in your heart and in your memories...listen.

(((hugs)))

caramama said...

Oh, Kelly! I'm so sorry. But the others are right--anger is part of the process. Allow yourself to be angry. Don't feel shameful about it. Just let yourself be angry and however you need to be.

Cancer sucks.

Reluctant Housewife said...

I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better.

All I can do is read your words and offer support from afar. Hugs and support.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I wish I could do more but all I can do is to let you know that I'm still praying for you and your family.

Mommy Cracked said...

Yes, one of those steps in the grief process for sure, but still painful. ((hugs))

daysgoby said...

Thinking of you while I fight the anger demon over here too...

Clair said...

Anger is a huge part of the process, and it sucks. But you're dealing really well, if that's any consolation.

Vered - MomGrind said...

I'm so sorry. I guess anger is another way of coping.

MIT Mommy said...

Hug.

Heather said...

you are totally allowed to feel angry. you are totally allowed to feel every emotion that you will feel towards her. i know that you have a great support system here, and in your day to day life, but feel free to shoot me an email if you need to, it's always open for you.

big hugs, hon.

Headless Mom said...

Anger is normal, a part of coping and healing. I know it doesn't make it easier, though.

(((hugs)))

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Frankly, I still have angry talks with my mother-in-law who died 3 years ago from ovarian cancer. I, too, know she did everything possible to survive but I keep feeling abandoned, that my kids have been cheated, my husband wronged...Everything good is bittersweet.

I'm sorry for your family; I wish you peace, someday.

Toni said...

Kelly, reading this post brings back a lot of feelings for me. When my mom died I felt the same way. Wondered why she wouldn't give me a sign that I was doing the right thing.

Anger, as you know, is part of the grieving process. It will get better.

For now, keep your head up and know that you are doing the best you can for your family. But allow yourself the time to grieve too.

Tara R. said...

I understand and can appreciate your anger. It will one day be better.

Karen MEG said...

I'm still going through the various stages of grief myself over here, Kel, and it is a huge spectrum of emotions, I cannot even tell you. Dad obviously didn't stand a chance either, his was extremely rare, and it sucks.

And now me and my siblings are classified as "at risk" ... another mind-numbing fact that we'll have to deal with sooner (well, for me as the eldest) than later. Double whammy.

Hugs to you, and I WILL e:mail you for drinks...

Magpie said...

Anger is good - you're alive.

I feel like either I grieved a long time ago (long before my mother died), or I haven't yet. It feels a little like a ticking time bomb.

Jaina said...

::hugs::