Monday, March 9, 2009

Change

I pass him at the end of every day, walking back to my car from work.

He stands in front of the liquor store selling a weekly newspaper that for years homeless people in Toronto have produced and sold on the streets for a dollar.

And last Friday, just like I do most Fridays, I handed him a two-dollar coin and accepted the paper.

"I see you coming!" he enthused. "You're a beautiful girl and I see you coming."

"Thank you," I said weakly. I didn't feel well and was fighting the beginning of a brutal cold that I feared (correctly) would render me unable to spend time with my mother-in-law in the hospital over the weekend as planned.

"Hey wait," he said, touching my arm as I turned to go.

And I turned.

"Good karma, eh. This is gonna bring good karma for you."

And I burst into tears.

**************************************************************

I have heard it said that the ability to cry is not actually a sign of weakness, but rather of strength.

But I don't believe it.

These days my emotions sit so close to the surface that they threaten to boil over at the slightest provocation. I am not strong, not at all. I feel weak and more vulnerable than I have ever been. I feel out of control.

I fear. I fear that the generally happy life I used to take for granted is in jeopardy. I fear that the body blows (not all of them detailed here) that my family has been dealt over the last year and a half are not merely the normal bumps in life that must be ridden out, but the new normal.

And so change is coming, it must come.

Rob and I are working on this change together. We are talking late into the night, most nights, about how we can and how we will change our lives in a manner that allows us to snatch back our happiness.

We feel that we are at a turning point. We feel as though we are at war, that we must stand up and fight to ensure that our lives and our son's life unfold in the healthiest and most joyful way possible.

Because if there is one thing that this dark period has taught us it is that we will not, cannot, wait for karma to intervene.

Stay tuned.

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41 comments:

InTheFastLane said...

change is hard and sometimes we don't realize that change is what we need until we are mired in darkness. I wish you the strength you need and the karma you deserve.

Kat said...

I pray you find that change you need. I know you are going through such a hard time right now and I'm praying for your strength too.

Melissa said...

As someone who is making her change right now, I wish you and your family lots of good luck. When karma doesn't help you just need to hlep yourself.

And you know you are strong, right? You could just sit back and let all of this overwhelm you and instead you made a plan...that's strong in my book, girlie.

Remember to be kind to yourself!

Katney said...

Change can be scary. I pray that the changes that come bring you peace.

Mary Lynn said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time, Kelly. I've always been one who's emotions come too close to the surface, so I totally understand the feeling of tears escaping at inopportune moments. It always feels like a sort of betrayal to me...like my eyes and tear ducts are letting me down when I most need them to stay strong. It's hard to hold back worries and fears with the tears make it all so damned apparent.

I sincerely wish you all the best. You'll get through this.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I could have written this post, including the staying up with husband talking about changes, unwelcome and likely the new normal.

I'm trying to be strong too. It's hard.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I wish you luck in dealing with all of this. One thing I have learned in almost 22 years of marriage is there is nothing we cannot deal with if we are a team.

sky girl said...

I feel like this spoke directly to me, Kelly. I wish that I felt like I was facing this battle as a pair as strong as you and Rob.

Crying? I cry way too much and way too easily. Where did this crying self come from?

PunkyBean said...

God bless you. I don't know how much that really means, not much into the god stuff, but in general, I think everyone who says it means the best. So, "The best to you and your family." Would be most appropriate...

a kelly said...

Change is possible. When you start with that...you are heading in the right direction. It gives you hope. And that is what I wish for you.
Praying for you and your family.
Alex

April said...

Emotions are what they are. It's not about strength or weakness, it's simply part of being human.
There have been days where contemplating getting out of bed has seemed too much. But I always do. And I know you do, too.
Having said that, don't rush into a decision. You'll know when your heart and mind are in agreement, and will do what's necessary. You're too smart and loving to do anything else.

Amber said...

I have spent those days crying, feeling weak. It's not fun, and I'm sorry that you're experiencing it right now.

I'm encouraged, though, because it sounds like something good may be ahead for you. I will stay tuned (as instructed). :)

A Crafty Mom said...

I'm so sorry, Kelly. I'm glad you two are talking about positive changes you can make - you are stronger than you think, your readers can tell that just from being loyal to your blog. The dark periods are so, so hard, it is often difficult to see the light - or to know it is out there.

Thinking of you, and your family.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Hang in there Kelly. I know you and Rob will come up with a solution and positive changes. Stay strong...dark times are rough.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I just said a prayer that God will giveyou strength and will see you through.

Chantal said...

Hugs

Mandy said...

I so wish I could give you a real life hug right now!

Headless Mom said...

The second half totally speaks to me. There are marriages all over, including mine, that are trying to find a "new-normal". Hang in there!

Sass E-mum said...

oh lovely, that's so sad. Crying doesn't seem to be a good sign. You must be overwhelmed. Keep talking though.

Have a hug from me too.

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm sorry you're wrapped up in this dark moment, but I must share that as I read this, *I* wanted to weep because there are so many words here that resonate with me. I've felt this darkness around me for weeks (and weeks and weeks) now and I'm trying so hard to find the way out into change. In the meantime, I'm sitting at stoplights and crying while en route to work.

I wish you good luck on the path to finding what you need to.

Woman in a Window said...

This speaks to me. I hear you. And you are wise, because yes, the work is for you. Take care of that beautiful family. And yourself.

RiverPoet said...

Oh my...I am sending hugs and peace to you, my friend. I hope you find some solace.

What a wonderful woman you are - D

Heather said...

Peace and strength to you.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Have you read Elizabeth Lesser's Broken Open. I haven't read it yet, but a couple of my friends have read it and loved it. I will send you my copy if you want it.

MIT Mommy said...

I'm right there with you in my own world. I just can't even blog about it yet.

Good luck.

Mommy Cracked said...

I can't wait to hear the rest of the story!

Vered - MomGrind said...

I wish I could give you a real-life hug right now.

iheartchocolate said...

I can't wait to read the rest of this. I pray you find the answers you need and that your path is lit brightly! Best wishes!

flutter said...

anytime you need anything, you know where to find me.

Parent Club said...

thinking of you with my best wishes!

Elaine A. said...

My heart goes out to you.

I think it's wonderful that you and your husband are talking about all these changes that you are ALL going through and how best to carry on. You are a wonderful family.

raino said...

good luck through the change.

Pregnantly Plump said...

So sorry things are rough for you right now. We are in a fairly similar situation. It's hard to stay positive and not worry about the future, and even minor setbacks seem to make me lose my balance. I hope good karma does come your way and that things will get better.

Whitenoise said...

It's tough. I'm also dealing with a dying parent- my dad has been in the hospital since Christmas and we're told that these are the final weeks.

Karen MEG said...

Oh Kel, I know where you're coming from here. I'm still in a funk, everything is changing around me and yet it isn't.
I'm glad that you and Rob are working through this together, and taking control of things as best you can. I am excited for you.

And let's hope this crap weather let's up soon so we can have that drink...

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

e-hugs to you...

Hubs and I had a similar conversation on New Year's Day. ;-)

Clair said...

Being able to express your emotions - through tears or yelling or writing or working out or whatever, is being strong. So cry or laugh or do whatever feels right to you at the time. I've been there and it's so very hard, but know that you're not alone. Hugs.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Good luck with everything. You deserve happiness.

Amanda said...

Amen. We are in the midst of the same reckoning. Hold tight to the faith that life does not happen to you. I admire your courage to make the life you want.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Lifting you up in prayer and holding you in my heart.
I just ache as I read these posts, I am so sorry that you are struggling so. I pray that you will see daylight soon.
I understand how hard change can be, we have really been through the wringer in the last couple of years and I am finally starting to see daylight and it is incredible. My heart has been ripped wide open, but the pain is lessening and the healing of the light is filling me and our life. there are still many hard things, but I feel like God is carrying us and keeping us and we will be okay.
I know you will be to. You are working your changes, you are working together and heading bravely into the darkness and you will see light again, it will rise, bright and shining before you and you will see how far you have come and get a glimpse of the path before you. And you will be okay. And there will be peace. And even joy again.
I know you look for the joy in your everyday, in your boy and those things can help sustain you. You don't have to be strong, you can't do it all on your own. We are ultimately not in control. It is in your weakness that you can be lifted up and carried. It is okay. Let go. Breathe. Cry. Have courage, have faith.
Many hugs and prayers,
K

Beck said...

Praying.
And I'm bracing right now for some things myself, so I know what you're writing about. It's hard, isn't it?