Fumbling towards greatness

* I adore baby showers. I adore ritualistic aspect of them, right down to the silly games and soggy sandwiches. I especially adore the sense of community that envelops me when I reach out and welcome another life to the planet.

Fumbling towards greatness was the fourth post I ever published here, back when I had approximately four readers. I'm publishing it again as part of an on-line baby shower for two of my favorite dot comrades, due with their second and third respective babies in the next few weeks - Rebecca at Girl's Gone Child and Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored.

The shower involves posting favorite memories of the early days of parenthood and is sponsored by Beau-coup Showers and Gifts. Check out the button in the right hand-side bar for more info on how to participate and enjoy my trip down memory lane.*


Karen is a girl in my office who is currently almost 5 months pregnant with her first baby.

Frequently Karen will ask me about some peculiar twinge she is experiencing or about how I came to make one of the approximately four million decisions made about Graham’s care in utero and up until now.

I very much like this girl and I’m flattered that she seeks my advice so I try to dispense as many pearls as wisdom as possible in my most reassuring, motherly tone.

Hopefully she never discovers I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

Doesn’t she remember my office baby shower when I brought the house down by unwrapping a nasal aspirator and chirping brightly “You can never have too many pacifiers!”?

While sorting photos for Graham’s baby book the other day, I came across one that never fails to crack me up. It was taken as we prepared to leave the hospital after his birth.


There are a few things that strike me about this photo - one is that my hair looks surprisingly good for someone who has just given birth...but I digress. Mostly I am struck by the juxtaposition of utter contentment and barely-concealed terror.

Graham could not look more serene: sleeping peacefully, he is blissfully unaware that his very survival depends on the glassy-eyed people flanking him, both of whom appear to be fighting the onset of a panic attack.

I remember those early days well. We referred to Graham as our little yawning chasm of need. Everyone talks about how overwhelming new parenthood is, but the intensity of caring for a newborn is still shocking.

Surprisingly though, you figure it out pretty quickly. In some ways being a good mom is the hardest job in the world, in some ways it’s the easiest. For me it was several months before Graham truly seemed like he wasn’t part of my body anymore, hence tending to his needs, while incredibly exhausting, was as natural as tending to my own.

You just do it. You feed, you burp, you clean, you adjust, you rock, you coo, you protect, you love with a ferocity that sears your soul.

And one day you wake up and see what you have wrought and your heart is flooded to bursting with wonder.

How is it possible? Is it a miracle?

Yes it is.

And knowing that Karen is about to experience it sometimes chokes me up. She can ask me questions all the day long and I am happy, thrilled really, to babble on about how it was for me.

But deep down I know that when her own little yawning chasm of need arrives, so too will the answers she seeks.